Opportunity Knockers

Like I keep saying, this is a great country. Just ask poor lil' Tiffany, the former teacher who had to take a job as a bikini hostess for a charter company in Florida because her teacher salary was pitiful. Well, she says the school district fired her when they found out about her other gig, and they say it was because she had 30 unexcused absences.

Not to worry; this being the land of the horny, Tiff will make loads of dollars off her rack. Among many offers, she's considering one from Playboy, reportedly for $25,000 per picture. That's $12,500 per boob! I wish I could make money off my body, but so far the only queries I've had are for donor parts, and I pretty much need every organ I've got right now.

There are so many ways of turning a profit, as opposed to tricks, and this seems like one of the best ones. I am curious though, about Tiffany's statements that she doesn't work topless. What's up with the photo above?? She has said it was not taken on the job, but when she was enjoying a cruise with friends; however, she claims to have used it in ads to attract potential clients. *Ahem* If you aren't working topless, why advertise wearing half a bikini?


I can only imagine how this has increased Smokin 'Em charters' business, and it certainly has done wonders for Tiffany Shepherd's potential income. One thing for certain: between the side job and the Playboy deal, for Tiffany opportunity knockers twice.

What's In Your Wallet?

At last, a worthwhile use for stolen identities.

Those two solid citizens above, Jocelyn Kirsch and her boyfriend, Edward Anderton, traveled the world on stolen credit cards and identities. Police also found keys to several neighbors' apartments and mailboxes in the couple's apartment, as well as a big ass machine for making ID cards. Wow, now that is true ambition. Enough with this penny ante identity theft jazz, where the felons buy a few appliances and a meal at IHOP. Nah, let's go to Paris.


Jocelyn & Ed getting an eyeful in Paris


It warms my heart to see this kind of drive to succeed. Naked greed? I've always said if you're gonna do something, do it big. Imagine if they'd put this cunning and talent to use in legitimate jobs. They'd probably be heads of major corporations by now, in positions where this sort of behavior is expected. Afterward, when they'd run the company into bankruptcy and stripped employees and investors of all profit, Kirsch and Anderton would have a huge severance package and the ID making machine to fall back on.

That's the trouble with some young folks today. They're always in too big a hurry and they want it all right now. If they'd just wait and spread the greed out over a few years and shell companies and Cayman Island accounts, then no one would ever notice. That's the way big business does things, and it's working so far; we still buy what they're selling.

You bought some very pretty things,Jocelyn. The earrings aren't bad either.


Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Taking Crime Purseonally

Basic easy to snatch purse



Suspect poses for photo with women shortly before robbing them

Just when I begin to think people can't get any dumber, something like this happens. It's one thing to try and grab a purse, but is it really a great idea to pose for a photograph with your intended victim?

Seems our pal Andre just couldn't resist jumping into the shot when the bar bachelorettes he was harassing snapped some pics. Then later when he made off with the purse, they recognized him and showed the cops his picture. It's important to recognize the difference between cooly studying your prey's actions and acting like the drunk jackass people always remember.

It might have been a good idea to steal the camera too. Andre might be a free man right now if he had. Don't get me wrong, I am not condoning the crime. I am however, applauding the thief's total bozoiciousness. How inept does a guy have to be to fumble a purse snatching? This is probably the simplest, almost completely risk free illegal act there is, and this mook screws it up. Is it possible he's a recent SDSU grad?

There's an obvious moral here, and maybe Andre will take it to heart: don't try to save time by letting your victim take your mug shot. The rest of you, beware. They are coming up with new crime-fighting techniques every day; it's just a matter of time before the next petty thief gets bagged.

Anti snatcher purse with handcuff


Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Dealership 101

SDSU Drug Bust

That's a relief. I know many people were worried where the next generation of drug dealers would come from. It's good to know educational values are still important in America. Of course, not everybody is paying attention. Some of the 75 students busted in the sting were apparently looking to pursue law enforcement and homeland security careers. I sure hope they had some good minors picked out.

One of these geniuses asked the cops if this arrest would affect his chances of working with the criminal justice system. Well, not if he plans on working from the inside. This story brings home the truth that college tuition is far too costly for most students. Look at the ridiculous lengths to which they must go merely to graduate. At least they didn't have to risk going to dangerous dark alleys and shady neighborhoods to supply their frat parties; they had the goods right at hand.

It's heartening to learn the spirit of entrepreneurship is so strong among young people today. I don't know about you, but I feel lots better about the future now, because I know this next generation coming up is going to be fully capable of keeping the wheels running in this country. Let's face it, drugs and money and sex have been driving the bus for decades, it's just that occasionally we average citizens catch a glimpse behind the curtain and get the chance to shake our heads and tsk at the situation and the lamentable societal pressure that causes our kids to act in this way. Yeah, sure. People do what they learn, and the herd instinct is alive and well. These activities will not go away.

As long as we have good tv, blockbuster movies, Internet access and terrific music to keep us occupied, we won't be asking too many questions, and that's what really keeps the wheels turning. Welcome this bust as an opportunity to see, briefly, the shadow business behind the one we're supposed to think runs the world. Maybe next time someone complains about dealing with college, we'll pay more attention. And to think we wonder why nothing seems to change. Because the status quo is profitable to too many people, and those would be the ones holding the reins.


"And this was from the Theta Chi toga party in February."


Looked at another way, this could explain the behavior of so many people in power these past few years. I guess it's better to believe they're stoned than that they're really so damn stupid. I mentioned movies, and although they do make us lose focus, they are a lot of fun, and sometimes they can even teach us something. I don't think those big, important folks at the top of our national food chain would go wrong to pay some attention. To paraphrase Faber College's Dean Wormer, "Fat, stoned and stupid is no way to go through life."


Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Holding My Own Hand

It's easy to get lulled into a false sense of security when you're single, and begin thinking you have plenty of time to find someone to be with. Easy because of the plethora of dating sites, how to date books, Dr.Phil clones and the naked women of the Internet. Over the past 18 months, the only relationship I've had is with my computer. Not very emotionally fulfilling, but on the plus side there is an off switch.

Maybe, just maybe this whole love thing is overrated. If it was supposed to happen, then would it be so tough to find? I'm here to tell you, all those avenues to finding companionship result in a bunch of dead ends. The street of romance needs better signs. Either that, or we need to stop the clown who keeps taking down the "do not enter" signs, because I keep fetching up against the wall of "nope, nothing happening for you here, move on". My hood is dented, my headlights are dim and I burned oil like crazy until I discovered the way to not waste time: don't spend any. Right. Just give up, lock the door, turn on the dvd player and you're good to not go.

Sure, it's a slothful existence, but it saves a bunch of wear on the heart. Cowardly you say? And what's wrong with being a chicken? Along with a skewed view of love,popular entertainment has given us all these heroic images, and they are a crock. I do not have a latex batsuit in the closet, and the closest I have to a gun is a toy I got years ago. Wait...now that I think about it, sloths find love too. Why else would there be so many of them?

Forgive the cynicism, but every day another little bit of my belief in romance falls off and shrivels like an ant under a magnifying glass. Don't be misled, though, I still have hope. In fact, I did see the perfect relationship once.That's just a wee bit more of a sacrifice than I'm willing to make though. I mean, c'mon. Pottery classes?


Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Party System

Nevada's governor Gibbons wants the mansion back.

Seems fair to me; the folks elected him, not his soon to be ex-wife, so she should move out. On the other hand, with all those rooms it's doubtful they'll have to see each other if they don't want to, so he could be magnanimous. I tell ya what, this election year just keeps getting better and better. This is the same Gibbons who is already under investigation for corruption, and a couple years ago was accused of propositioning and assaulting a waitress he'd been out with, though that case was dropped for lack of evidence.

There's also a great picture taken when he was a congressman partying with a group of women. Woo...go gov!Why do politicians always seem to have all the fun? Hey, no problem, the rest of us will sit here and watch our jobs evaporate while you take money for doing favors and party the night away. Is it any wonder there are so many things that need fixin' here at home and they aren't getting done? I have said and still believe a person can party and hold a job; just check with your average twentysomething, but there comes a point in life and position when some of the partyness has to get dialed back a notch.

If things like this keep happening, it won't be long before just anyone thinks they can be a leader and before you can say "cigar and stained blue dress", we'll have anarchy. I mean, what kind of democracy would this be if we let any citizen who wanted to run for office? It's time for all you crazy pols to snap out of it; too many of you are letting the people see how much fun can be had, and there's a chance the two-party system will become the "hey, let's party" system.

Also, there's lots of guys out there who don't make the great money you office holders do, and it'd be really nice if you'd stop driving up the price of escorts, especially since it's we who are footing your footsie bill .

Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Bikini 101

Florida teacher fired for wearing a bikini

YAWOWEEE!

Seems a bit harsh. {sigh} Do you have any idea how sorry I am the Internet wasn't around when I was in school? There are so many teachers I would have loved to see like this, but that's probably just me, right?

If Teach Tiff was indeed termed for getting a second job that required her to wear a bikini, I say "Huh?" Sure, the last few years have seen a sharp increase in stories of teachers having sex with students, and yes, we do need to protect kids, but these are pictures of a woman in a bikini who teaches high school. I submit that any students who think of her as a sex fantasy object were doing it long before these pictures showed up. I was a teen boy once myself, and I can guarantee you some do think like that.

This is Florida, too, and there are lots of women who wear bikinis. Shall the powers that be mandate eyepatches and shades for all the students who might happen to see such a woman? What about Baywatch reruns? Or just about any tv show for that matter? Internet anyone? The magazine section at the bookstore? This is truly sad and it's taking all the fun out of being young and hormonal. Tiffany moonlighting in a bikini doesn't make her a bad teacher, in fact the job and pics will probably make her a better teacher. For sure the class will be paying a lot more attention to her.

School officials say they're not renewing her contract because of excessive
absences; she missed about 30 days. Maybe she was getting a bikini wax. The big lesson here for all of us is evident: in this world of digital cameras, cell phones and the Internet, someone is always watching. And Tiffany? Since you'll probably seek legal help with this situation, there's an Attorney General in Ohio you might want to call, although I have the feeling he may call you first about a bikini charter trip. Give him a couple days.



Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle