Private Life? What's That?

Whoa. I have been Tweeting more than I have blogged of late. I admit it's mostly because I'm lazy and Twitter is easier. Yeah there's a lot more competition but the feedback, (or not) is instantaneous. The downside is I have to be quicker and limit my comic genius to 140 characters or less.

As a man of very little character that's quite a challenge.

I was attempting a parody of "Once Upon A Time" the last couple posts but the magic just wasn't there. I have been experiencing some difficulty getting it together to create posts so as I look at my blog I see these huge gaps full of nothingness.

And you know what they say about nothingness. It's barely noticeable. I could use the whole thing as a reflection of my life so far but that's exactly what I've been doing the past 5 years.

Yes the 5 year anniversary of The HumorSmith Chronicle came and went with nary a whimper, and I'm fine with that. I don't mind anniversaries and birthdays but I'm damned if I will ever succumb to the pitiful low of perpetrating that abominable mashup of the words "blog" and "anniversary" upon you my family of readers. I hate that word and in fact the last person who used it I went immediately over to their house and punched them in the wiener. The word is way too cutesie poo for me.

As I said I am fine with noting the passage of the years but I refuse to get cute about it.  Unless it's a word I coined and that's entirely different.

Oh and earlier today an NBA player came out of the closet and immediately received praise from Obama and the Worst Lady. I mention this because I cannot get over the fact that people coming out about their sexuality is not only newsworthy but Presidential phone call-worthy.

So since the Chronicle prides itself on not only never being first with anything, but also being a loyal follower of trends rather than a setter of same, I am announcing my raging hetero status and I am proud and unashamed.

I should be getting that White House phone call any minute now.....


Copyright © 2012 thehumorsmithchronicle

Once Upon A Thyme Part Two

 Snow White stared coolly at the blonde visitor. "Somehow I figured you'd turn out to be a private eye."

"Why's that?" Cindy said.

"Because you didn't show me a badge and as it's only been three hours since Jack's murder, who else would you be?"

"A PI?"

"I prefer to think of you as a "private dickless."

"I've heard worse insults."

"I bet. Anyway why are you questioning me?"

"Call it a plot device. This baby isn't getting anywhere so I figured the best path was straight ahead."

"Right. Knowing the author as I do I'm not surprised. He's a lazy bastard. Okay what would you like to know?"

"Next week's winning lottery numbers."

"Wow. He really is lazy."

"Also broke."

Snow raised her hands, running them through her lustrous black hair and letting it fall gracefully back into place. She then slid her hands under her blouse and into her bra, adjusting her not inconsiderable bosom.  Cinderella said nothing, just stared and raised an eyebrow.

"What?" Snow said.

"Lazy's one thing, but horny? That's where I just give up and strip my clothes slowly off, shaking my long blonde hair and pinching my nipples until they poke out proudly."

With that, the ladies decided in tandem that they would never let HumorSmith drink while writing again.


To be continued.  Or not.








Copyright © 2012 thehumorsmithchronicle

Once Upon A Thyme Part One

The tall blonde stood there staring, mouth open.  "So- you're Snow White?"

The woman facing her across the dusty dining room table nodded. "No one else butt."

"Hey!"

Snow narrowed her eyes. "What? How could you get upset over that? It was verbal and only those reading this will know I just burned you big time. The words sound exactly alike."

The blonde snorted and stamped her feet, thus shattering her shoes. "I am very adept at nuance and I don't like your tone."

"Yeah I get that a lot. My folks both had very deep voices but for some reason mine came out with too much treble and it seems to irritate people."

The blonde shook her head. "No more than fingernails on a blackboard."

"Nice. So why are you so surprised to find out who I am?"

"A couple reasons. One, I thought you'd be shorter, and two, I can't believe that-"

"I'm Black?"

"I hadn't noticed."

"Don't hand me that. How could you not?"

"Okay I noticed, but that's not the other reason I'm surprised to find out you're Snow White. It's that I can't believe any reasonable person would do that to their child."

Snow glared at the other woman. "I got over it. What about you? I mean who the hell wears glass slippers?"

"I was hoping you wouldn't notice."

"Yeah, well you might not want to stamp your feet when you snort. It kinda gives it away."

"It's a bad habit. I used to clean the stable and tend the horses at my stepmother's ranch."

"Evidently you spent a little too much time with those horses. What's your name?"

"Cinderella."

Now it was Snow's turn to gape, or it would have been if she ever did anything that uncool. Instead she folded her arms across her ample breasts and eyed the stranger with suspicion.

"Are you always this welcoming?" Cinderella asked.

"Only if I like someone."

"You must like me a lot."

"Don't push your luck. Why are you here anyway? "

"I'm a private investigator and I'm looking into the murder of Jack Bean."

Snow shook her head. "You're barking up the wrong stalk sister. I have no clue who you're talking about."

"I'm not surprised. I got the feeling the first time you opened your mouth you didn't know jack."

Snow narrowed her eyes. "Hey!" she squeaked.

Cinderella said, "What? That was verbal and only the readers would know I just burned you."

"Very funny."

"You think so?"

"No."


To be continued....



Copyright © 2012 thehumorsmithchronicle

The Proof Is In The Reading

The Craigslist job ad said: 

 3. All materials will spell checked and reviewed for accuracy.

I had to think awhile before I responded and when I did I opened with, "Am I the only one who sees the irony here?" Rather a unique way to begin a  cover letter but come on. Really? 

Elsewhere in the ad it said they were looking especially for people with "good attention to detail." How am I supposed to take that? Maybe they're the kind of business that leads by suggestion rather than example, like the President. 

I apologize for the political comment. I dislike politics and I am frankly tired of hearing about anything even remotely related to it. I'm over the whole thing just like I'm over the gay marriage issue. Just give it to them already and have done with it okay? Then maybe we can get back to the important stuff like You Tube and Facebook. Yes I know gay marriage is not the accepted term, that those fighting the battle prefer the term "same sex marriage" but that's not right either and I'll tell you why. Traditional marriage is a mutual agreement  between two people to have sex only with each other as long as they both shall live. If that isn't same sex then I don't know what is. 


Virtually every device we use to communicate via the written word comes with some form of spell check but why don't they also include stupidity check? True it would probably overload and blow up within the first week but I'm sure the technology's there. After all if we can put a man on Uranus stupidity check shouldn't be a problem at all.

Sorry for that gay comment.





Copyright © 2012 thehumorsmithchronicle

Meh

 Nothing. No blogging. I didn't really feel  like writing so I didn't.

What a concept. Imagine not doing something because you don't want to.

The damnable thing is the world kept going anyway, despite my lack of output. I listened to demands from my public, I really did, and I took everything you said into consideration.

But I'm going to continue posting anyway, because postparting separation anxiety is just too painful.


If that's not enough motivation for you to keep coming back here, then try this: I am watching my daily visitor count and I know who is and who isn't dropping by the Chronicle.

I know where you live.




Copyright © 2012 thehumorsmithchronicle

Is That Hortense?

Ah hell. The longer my inaction goes on the more sure I am that I don't really want to be a writer.

Hold on. Is it possible for inaction to go on? The word itself seems to indicate nothing is happening so for it to be ongoing doesn't seem right.

That discussion is one of the reasons I don't think I want to be a writer after all. I am too easily bogged down in details.

They always say you should write from the heart but I can't get past writing from the glibosity and safety of sarcasm and silliness. I also have a tendency to make up words when I need a particular tense that isn't available.

I could have used glibber but really, I don't think the sentence "...I can't get past writing from the glibber" is very attractive, and as far as proper word forms is concerned I don't think I should be tense when writing at all. True enough in the past I have been tense and occasionally in the present but the future looks good.

Not really all that sure about the present actually because it's usually wrapped and I know better than to peek.

As far as peaking that happened long ago and left me in poor condition. If you're interested one of the signs of aging in a writer is inevitably your participles start to dangle. That condition can cost you social engagements and in its most extreme cases, friends.

That's why I can't play "Words With Friends". I have none. Friends I mean. Words I have plenty of but they crouch behind walls of glib, sarcasm and silliness.

Now if you'll excuse me it's that time of year again and I feel the government wants more of my money. The joke's on them though because I have none of that either. Profligate living and frequent bouts of unemployment have seen to that.

I'm having my taxes done by pros on the barter system. My guys say if I promise not to write any more blogs like today's, they'll prep my taxes for free. I highly recommend these guys by the way. You've probably seen their ads:

"No one can get your taxes up and running like H & R Writer's Block. Since you can't write why not come see us today and at least you'll have accomplished something."

Hey I forgot all about Valentine's Day! 

Copyright © 2012 thehumorsmithchronicle

Essence

I think my muse committed suicide. That's my theory anyway as I haven't heard anything from her of late. Of course it could be she just left me like every other woman in my life.

That's probably it. She got bored waiting around for inspiration to strike me and took off. Even though that was supposed to be her job, providing that spark that lets the words fly and take forms that please the eye and mind while leading the thoughts into realms of pith.

Which explains why I've been in such a pithy mood. Not too long ago my entire being was suffused with pith,  even my underarms. Don't look so shocked. You can't tell me you're not familiar with armpith?

It's okay she left though. You needn't pithy me, even though at first I was very pithed off. I even considered buying a pith helmet to accessorize my demeanor.

I reconsidered and decided the best way to deal with my ennui, (and with friends like my muse, who needs ennuis?) was to take a trip, so next month I'm heading to Los Angeles to get some sun and visit the La Brea Tar Pith.




Copyright © 2012 thehumorsmithchronicle