Pages

Monday, November 04, 2013

Me And The Other Halves

Relationships are easy. Hell I even love that old quote that goes, "Before setting out on a marriage, first dig two graves."

I've had lots of relationships. Wait a sec. You're not talking about successful relationships only are you? 'Cause if you are I'm going to have to rewrite that stuff up there.

I've had a great relationship with my cat for the last 8 years. He's the only person (?) who gets me right now in fact. I had a wonderful relationship with my ex that lasted 24 years. Okay in all honesty it was only great sometimes. I speak in particular of the blow jobs, but since those ended 6 months after "I do"? I suppose they don't really count.

Where's that leave me? A great relationship doesn't suck. Wonder if I could get that on a bumper sticker.

I haven't had a great relationship with money unless you consider a 40 year series of one night stands successful. I've never had a problem making money; it's more an issue of holding onto it. Of course all the new age gurus say you need to stop being clingy in regard to money so that it will flow freely to you.

 I misunderstood the self-help advisers. I thought they said not to be Klinger with money and I always figured as long as I didn't dress up like a woman then I'd have all the money I could ever want.

I have met lots of women and until I start listening to them things seem to work fine. The minute I pay attention then it's all over. That's a problem because I really don't understand women. I mean their words make sense but somehow by the time my brain fully engages with their words, (which usually takes from 30 minutes to an hour, or roughly the time it takes me to stop wondering what she looks like naked) I realize I haven't been paying attention at all. Nope I've just been nodding agreeably, looking interested and uttering the occasional supportive and encouraging words like "Will you have sex with me right here on the bar or do we have to wait until we get to your place?"

That line only worked once but that time involved Jell-O, mud, tequila shooters and 6 burly girls in chaps and Stetsons. I have not been allowed back in that bar since.



Copyright © 2013thehumorsmithchronicle

Friday, November 01, 2013

Base Instinct

Wow. I have been away for a bit but now I feel compelled to write something. Mostly because the nice lady I met at the bar said she might have a woman for me and I well..you know.

Don't wanna say it's been a while but it has. I got dust in places a man ought not to have dust.

I'm not even sure I remember the rules of dating. There are rules right? Do people still run the bases? Is second base still a destination?

The nice lady said her friend was looking for someone with a sense of humor. Why she thought I'd be a good fit is baffling. I do admit sometimes I get laughs but they don't always occur when I want. Face it there are times when a guy doesn't want laughter at all.

Like when I'm tossing the salad (not a euphemism) and she cracks up over my "cute little wiggle" as I hoist the tongs. Wiggle? What am I a rabbit?

In her mind suddenly I'm a little bunny. That's not a good time for laughter. What's sexy about a bunny?





Yeah that figures. Why am I not surprised you went there?

Honestly sometimes there's just no talking to you people. I say bunny so you automatically think about scantily clad women.

Not appropriate.

Not until at least fourth base.













Copyright © 2013thehumorsmithchronicle

Sunday, October 20, 2013

Wait A Minute


I'm a waiter. I don't serve food. I just wait. That's what I've been doing my whole life. Waiting for a better job. Waiting for someone to love me as no other could. Waiting for my ship/bus/plane/pack mule to come in.

And I'm still waiting.

God said, "Let me show you to your table". He gave me one right next to the kitchen so I can see, hear and smell life and be tossed the occasional salad.


It's not all bad you know. Everything smells wonderful and I love hearing people have a good time.

Oh sorry. Didn't you get your invite to the pity party? My fault I fear. I thought that you'd want what I want....*


'Scuse me. Sometimes I get maudlin.




Dammit. There goes my subconscious again. Even he misunderstands me now and then. I was actually thinking "Golden years", not....

Stupid subconscious.



Anyway I was getting maudlin and I'm really not maudlin you know. I'm not wired that way; I don't even have a maudlin kit.



I'm outta here.

I've got an inner voice to strangle right now.










*Apologies to Stephen Sondheim.


Copyright © 2013thehumorsmithchronicle

Saturday, October 12, 2013

TV Or Not TV







The new TV season has started. That's it. That's what my life has become. I mark the passage of time by TV seasons.

Yet another reason why Netflix is fucking up my world. There are no seasons. No season-ending cliffhangers, no cancellations. Cancellation happens in the real world which is usually why NF gets new shows I can start watching. Occasionally they'll slip in a series that's still running on a network but really, how many times can I watch Desperate Housewives? A lot but I'm only there for the breasts.

I'm on season 4 of CSI:NY. I started with season 1 yesterday. What? So what do you do with your time off? Go sell snarky somewhere else buddy; this wallet's closed.  What choice did I have after I finished watching CSI:Miami? I should go watch one of their documentaries? At this age you expect me to try to learn stuff?

Listen I walked away with my diploma last century and I haven't looked back since. I'm smart enough thanks.

Besides new knowledge would only cause me to question what I already know and you know I hate that. I have a smartphone now and the two of us are brilliant. I could almost be a genius if they'd sent a damn instruction manual with the phone. C'mon Apple get your act together. How do you ever expect to be successful if you keep overlooking the basics? Call me, I've got some pointers for you.






Copyright © 2013thehumorsmithchronicle

Sunday, September 08, 2013

Syriasly?

Last time I was here my paragraph breaks weren't working and I had to manually insert them.

Now it's not unusual for me to manually insert stuff but I'm not used to doing it on my blog. I kind of resent the process.

So if this comes out as one long paragraph just deal with it.

The Prez wants to get us involved in a war. As in flinging random Tomahawk missiles at a group of people who have been very very bad. Allegedly. No boots on the ground he says but well...humpf.

Am I the only one with a mental picture of our armed forces running around in slippers? This guy is so used to lying he's got a plastic surgeon who specializes in rhinoplasty on standby so we won't know.

Problem is it's painfully obvious. Used to be we expected our erected officials to lie and we dealt with it as best we could. Barry has elevated it to a whole new level.

I thought he told us the truth the other day but it turns out there aren't really any oceans of tomorrows ahead.

I'm scared if he gets his way, (and if Congress tells him he can't spank Assad do you think for one hot second that'll stop him?) we'll be lucky to have a rivulet of tomorrows. All this as punishment for an alleged incident. No one can quite make up their mind whether Assad turned CW on his own people or if the rebels did it to themselves.

Still as World Cop we have to act he says. Remember when we fought wars against people we were real damned sure did bad stuff? None of this alleged crap; you bombed Hawaii and that just plain pissed us off.

Now we're gonna go quietly in on slippered feet and spank a Syrian with whom Barry has a past. I'm not real clear on that but it evidently has something to do with a red line.

Tell ya what, why don't you and Biden go on over there and get in the ring with him. We'll hold your coats for you.

Copyright © 2013thehumorsmithchronicle

Sunday, July 28, 2013

Hell To The Chief

I've been wondering lately if the world is still funny or I'm not so much anymore. I have been finding it more difficult to laugh recently but that may be because I am just grumpy.

First we have a denizen in the White House who ignores all the bad things that have happened under his watch, but by god if you're brave enough to come out of the closet or if a right-wing talk show host calls you a slut he's on the phone to you immediately, offering sympathy or congratulations.

If there's a tragic shooting that goes to trial and receives an unpopular verdict what does the Commander in Dunce do? Why instead of trying to bring the people of this country back together he agrees that it was the wrong verdict and also says the Black victim could have been him. WTF?

There is probably more divisiveness in America now than ever before, this shooting and trial caused rancor between Blacks and Whites and instead of making an effort to calm the situation this goober says the dead Black man "Could have been me". Take a second to let that sink in.

Is that presidential? Is that helpful? Is that smart? The guy's a huckster and a racist and an imbecile. And yet all we hear from the media and the liberals is "Things are bad in this country because Bush."

Horseshit. Things are bad in this country because lots of people are unemployed, Obamacare is decreasing hours and driving some businesses out of business and no one seems to give a crap because racism and the leader of the "free stuff" world would rather talk about anything else than the problems we face because after all there is an "ocean of tomorrows" for us all.

All of this is funny but in a bad way like when your brakes stop working on a mountain road and you soil yourself in terror. Right now America is soiling itself and I wish it would stop before someone wraps a Depends around the Equator.



Copyright © 2013thehumorsmithchronicle

Monday, April 29, 2013

Private Life? What's That?







Whoa. I have been Tweeting more than I have blogged of late. I admit it's mostly because I'm lazy and Twitter is easier. Yeah there's a lot more competition but the feedback, (or not) is instantaneous. The downside is I have to be quicker and limit my comic genius to 140 characters or less.

As a man of very little character that's quite a challenge.

I was attempting a parody of "Once Upon A Time" the last couple posts but the magic just wasn't there. I have been experiencing some difficulty getting it together to create posts so as I look at my blog I see these huge gaps full of nothingness.

And you know what they say about nothingness. It's barely noticeable. I could use the whole thing as a reflection of my life so far but that's exactly what I've been doing the past 5 years.

Yes the 5 year anniversary of The HumorSmith Chronicle came and went with nary a whimper, and I'm fine with that. I don't mind anniversaries and birthdays but I'm damned if I will ever succumb to the pitiful low of perpetrating that abominable mashup of the words "blog" and "anniversary" upon you my family of readers. I hate that word and in fact the last person who used it I went immediately over to their house and punched them in the wiener. The word is way too cutesie poo for me.

As I said I am fine with noting the passage of the years but I refuse to get cute about it.  Unless it's a word I coined and that's entirely different.

Oh and earlier today an NBA player came out of the closet and immediately received praise from Obama and the Worst Lady. I mention this because I cannot get over the fact that people coming out about their sexuality is not only newsworthy but Presidential phone call-worthy.

So since the Chronicle prides itself on not only never being first with anything, but also being a loyal follower of trends rather than a setter of same, I am announcing my raging hetero status and I am proud and unashamed.

I should be getting that White House phone call any minute now.....


Copyright © 2012 thehumorsmithchronicle