Virtually Dateless

Online dating sites, not to be confused with virtual dating, which is a whole issue by itself. Pretty scary. Some charge a fee, others don't, but I'm not sure the whole thing is a good idea. Granted, it gives me the opportunity to strike out with a great many women in a relatively short period of time, but really. What's wrong with the old fashioned methods? Lately I find myself getting nostalgic for the sound of all the women at one table laughing as I slink back across the bar after being shot down. Admit it ladies, don't you miss the look on a guy's face after you've reduced him to jelly with your witticisms? Isn't it just a little sterile turning us down online? Where's the fun in that?

And fellas, come on, you don't get to continue the search for that great opening line. It takes away all the challenge when you can sit at your computer and edit the thing to ribbons before you press "send". Yes, you don't have that long walk to your table after a putdown, but you also don't get an instant reaction to your bon mots, and that saddens me a bit. It can take a while before you know how you're doing with an online encounter, and since all the "chatting up" has already been done,the first "dates" are usually fifteen minutes at a Starbucks. That's not a date, that's a handshake. You simply can't expect to feel anything less than superficial about someone that quickly. I know it's the new thing, but first impressions are not made to build a lasting relationship on. What if you have a hunk of snot in your nose? Broccoli in your teeth? A purple tie with a bright yellow suit? Okay, some of you guys are fine with that, and I think you know who you are. Dating is problematic for you, virtual or reality, so you can just look on this as hopeful advice for the future.

Yet life altering decisions are made in those fifteen minutes. I don't know about you, but that's way too much pressure for me. It's like I'm a performing seal; I sit at the table and the woman throws the conversational ball on my nose and I'm supposed to keep it there without letting it drop. If I don't the whole thing's over. All the while the guy inside my head is stressing out: "Does she like me? How'm I doing? Do I have anything in my teeth? Are my shoes tied? Will I have sex with someone besides myself in the near future?" See what I mean? Pressure.

Maybe the old way wasn't perfect, but it gave us time. If we got the nod, we could spend a couple hours talking over music, or go somewhere quiet. We knew what each other looked like from the beginning, which is another quibble I've got with online dating. A great many people don't post pictures, and many that do post someone else's picture. I'm pretty sure that woman I was emailing a couple months ago wasn't really Charlize Theron, but she wrote terrific emails. The guys are just as bad, and I ask, what's the point? The second she sees you're not the guy on the web page, she's outta there like a virgin at the Playboy Mansion. It offends and troubles me that any of you would actually try to pass yourself off as someone you're not. By the way, if you happen to run across my photo and profile on a dating site, let me clear this up right now: Yes,I am virtually Brad Pitt.

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