Saints Alive

"Live fast, die young and have a good-looking corpse."- Nick Romano, Knock On Any Door

"Let's see if I've got this right: eight glasses of water a day, moderate drinking, an hour of exercise three times a week,regular sleep patterns, and avoid Madonna movies. But I wanna look good while I'm alive. You've got time for all that stuff where you are."- HumorSmith

Padre Pio looks terrific for a guy who's been dead 40 years. They exhumed his body, prettied him up and put him on display in Italy. And this is a saint! I couldn't make this up; I'm not that perverse. Something like this really puts our celebrity culture obsession in perspective. I take back everything I've said about the shallowness of the tabloids and celeb stalkers. Does this scenario seem wrong, or is that just me?

Used to be the only way the famous could get peace and quiet was to die, a move many considered a bit extreme, so they settled for floppy hats and dark glasses.Imagine having to worry about being dug up and paraded around so your fans can fawn over you once again. The weeklies will be full of "celebridied" sightings, and tv will have "Deadstyles of the Rich and Famous". At least now when people claim to have seen Elvis, they have the decency to not actually go get him.


Saint Pio's "face" is a silicone mask, but don't kid yourself, the major cosmetics firms have been working on slowing down the dirt nap's effect on skin for decades. Doubt me? One word:exfoliation, because there's nothing more unsightly than dead skin. Estee Lauder has already tried to hire Pio's makeup guy, and I suspect the Eternity fragrance crew isn't far behind. I can't help thinking there must be better ways to achieve immortality, but commerce marches on. Fact is,there's a new company starting up, called LayAway Cosmetics. The ad gurus have already begun market research, and the first slogans are ready to roll:

"Don't let death and decomposition rob you of your looks."

"Even after you're laid to rest, you still can look your very best."

"Nothing can rob your skin of moisture quicker than being slabbed. Let EternMoist restore that lifelike glow to dessicated skin."

"Apply DecompStop cream liberally before you lay down for your eternal beauty sleep."

"Do you look like death warmed over? Well, having no visible signs of life doesn't have to ruin your appearance. Rejuvenate with ReaperSol, the only foundation guaranteed to give you that lifelike appearance that lasts millenia. Remember, you can take it with you. In fact, you need to."


Wonder if my fellow Boomers are driving this? They never let anything stop their quest for eternal youth, so I guess death was the logical next target. Hold on, I just got an email from a dead singles dating site. Okay, that's it. You'll have to excuse me now, I've got to go get on the waiting list at the crematorium.


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