Iraq And Ruin

BAGHDAD -- As much of the world grapples with a credit crunch, Iraq's government has an unusual money problem: It can't spend its oil riches fast enough.

The U.S.is training Iraqi bureaucrats struggling to emerge from a centralized system in which nearly all decisions came from the top. "Our efforts are devoted to helping the Iraqis spend their own money," said Marc Wall, the U.S. Embassy's coordinator for economic transition in Iraq. "We've zeroed in on it in the last year or two."

Apparently our government doesn't pay much attention to domestic issues. I do believe the U.S. government "helping" the Iraqis with money is the same government that is "helping" us with our money. Excuse me, I mean "helping" big investment firms, insurance companies and banks with a bailout. You know, the ones run by fat, greedy bastards who skimmed all the milk off the top and left us holding the udders?

If you think the terrorists are pissed at us now, wait till we're done straightening out their finances. Nothing is more upsetting to a fanatic than someone messing with his assets. And disguising the assistance as a bailout is not going to help matters. After all, there's a good chance Iraq could end up with a $79 billion surplus, and we can't have that now, can we? That just wouldn't make us look very good. If we can't fix our own deficit, how could we stand by and let Iraq fix theirs? Better we go show them how to handle their money.

Besides, it should take the populace's minds off the troop agreement we're trying to draw up before Bush is outta here. Matter of fact, the war is a pretty good distraction for us, too. The fact we're spending billions of dollars to fix corporations that should have been smart enough not to fail is hardly noticeable next to the war budget. Hey, how about we let the execs who ran the economy into the abyss soldier up and go help liberate the Iraqis? How's that for a bailout? Yeah, Washington should get tough.

"Okay, you guys want to keep your jobs and bonuses and hands in every American's wallet? Then you best sign up for a tour of duty in Iraq. Yep, full military gear, Humvees, land mines, desert, heat, scorpions and angry citizens. But don't worry, not all of 'em are mad. The ones who aren't, we want you to teach about budgets, deficits, and how to spend money properly.

Then, when you're done, we're deploying you to Saudi Arabia. We figure the OPECkerheads can learn a lot from you. While you're there, demand they give you the plans to all those solar powered and electric cars they've been sitting on for 40 years. We want off the gas tit, fast. We've got some pretty angry people here, too. Move quick before we all lose our jobs."

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