It Isn't Easy Being Greenland

Greenland after the local paint store's "3 for 1,'cause we only have three colors" sale

Should I set the record straight about Greenland? It seems everybody's been picking on the poor island not good enough to be a continent, but where's the love? Do we truly know enough about our northern neighbors to treat them so harshly? Does anyone really give a flying fish?

Let's look at the facts:
Greenland's estimated population as of 2007 was 57,564.

Their queen is Margrethe the II, also queen of Denmark.

Its area is 836,109 sq.mi, of which 677,676 sq mi is covered by the Greenland Ice Sheet

Its GDP is about $1.1 billion, of which $900,000,000 is provided by the US as a reward for allowing us to exile AIG, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, and Bear Stearns execs there.


Taking all this into account, isn't it obvious that Greenlanders are completely out of their freakin' minds? Could anyone remain sane around all that ice? What the hell's so green about the place anyway?

So maybe all the Greenlanders live in the milder climate of the fjords on the southwest of the island, but there's still all that damn ice to contend with. Scientists say in ancient times, Greenland was actually green, and had many forests, which is how it looked to Erik the Red when he got exiled from Iceland for murder, set off to find the land "rumored to be to the northwest" and landed on Greenland, or Grænland or Gruntland as it was variously called. After hearing Gruntland, can you blame the natives for sticking with Greenland? I'm astounded Erik didn't become a mass murderer after settling there.

Erik the Red and Greenland...pretty colorful for an icebox. One thing the tourist bureau doesn't tell you is Greenland is the only nation on earth whose inhabitants routinely get their tongues stuck to the scenery. Their national motto is "Don't lick the tundra."

The Greenies are not known for their creativity, for sure. Just look at their flag, and you'll see what a deleterious effect cold has on the brain. Chelle over at The Offended Blogger started the anti-Greenland movement because its denizens refuse to visit her blog. Now there's conjecture Greenland doesn't have the Internet, and they have nothing going for them, so they are just snubbing everybody with a computer.

I think they're just not warm people, and that many of my fellow humoristas are too thin-skinned. After all, with all the other countries visiting us and laughing, what harm's a lockout by some peevish Inuits going to do?

Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle