Ungerism

After 24 years, I got Felix Ungered 18 months ago. Wish I could tell you she was alone and broke too, but nope. She's got a new guy, a great job and the house. What the hell? Mixed feelings abound. Part of me wishes she was unemployed and alone, and part of me wishes she was lonely and not working.

On the plus side, I got the cats. The boys and I have wild paries, but I can't take them anywhere because they act like animals. I bet I'm not the only one to go through this, but I don't care about everybody else. This is all about me. I have a lot to offer. I've got this blog, and I have a blog, and sometimes I even blog at night. I've got this great sense of humor, okay I crack myself up, but I'm sure the right woman would laugh. Not at me of course, but with me. If a joke falls in an empty room, does it make a sound?

I am also not as neat as Felix; if you want to see something truly terrifying, come over and look at my bathtub. I'm beginning to think the X was onto something with the weekly cleaning schedule. On the other hand, it's just me so who's gonna notice? I gross myself out, but I'm used to that. Don't get me wrong, I take out the trash and run the dishwasher. Occasionally there are even dirty dishes in it when I hit the wash button. Let's face it, if I'd known this was gonna happen, I'd have paid attention in cooking and cleaning class.

Being set in your ways may make it more difficult to be the good domestic partner, but there are benefits. I blog. Sometimes I take walks. I have even been known to make eggs, and mostly I remember to turn on the burner. Being unemployed isn't the best thing for my sense of worth, but hey...I have a blog. I know how to sort laundry too. That reminds me, I have to go now. I don't have any clean ungerwear.

Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Directionless Youth

What have things come to when a carjacker can't even ask directions from a news crew on his way to rob a bank? I thought people in this country cared. Everyone's entitled to make a living. I'll bet the carjack victim had 3 or 4 other cars anyway,so what difference would one less make? The 19 year old wannabe robber was just trying to carve out a piece of the American dream for himself. Isn't that what we all want?

Trouble is, these guys don't ask politely. It never works to just demand something at gunpoint unless you're an elected official. Maybe the driver was willing to share. If so, too bad. That politically correct news crew had to go and ruin the whole thing.

The kid probably just needed money to pay for college tuition and textbooks, or maybe a down payment on his first house. But no,they had to stomp on his dream. Why haven't we heard from the ACLU on this? Surely the guy's right to have whatever he feels deprived of was violated. There should be laws against this sort of thing.
What can we expect these poor guys to do? Work for the things they want? Get serious. It's highly unlikely your average thug has any marketable skills, so at best we're talking minimum wage. Imagine how long it would take to earn enough for a Rolls, or college for that matter. Affording a house is easier; just find a disreputable lender, of which there are many, and you're good to go.

On second thought, autojack old buddy, steal enough to go to college and become a lender yourself; you're already disreputable. I guarantee you'll get a much lighter jail sentence than you would for robbing a bank.

Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Getting Better Mileyage

Pity the unfortunate parents of a major kid star. In most cases, it's going to be a very short gravy train ride, since the star won't be a child forever. What to do? Hey, it's never too early to start selling good 'ol sex appeal. So what if she's only 15? Celebrities have a very limited shelf life, and the parental units have a resposibility to make sure every possible market is exploited. I hear MTV is in talks with the Cyrus clan about a new reality show to be called "Pimpin' Parents".

I would like to know why Miley was posing for Vanity Fair to begin with. That's not exactly her audience. If you haven't seen the pics,don't worry, they're pretty hard to miss, which is I guess the point. In any event, I'm not puttin' 'em up here. Maybe some celebrimoms and dads aren't aware of the major child porn industry in this country. Either that, or they see pedophiles as a terrific untapped source of income. Just because you're a perv doesn't mean you can't hold down a job.

Miley herself has apologized for the photo shoot, but we all know those images will never go away now.
Do you get the feeling all that furor about BGH in milk a while back was blown out of proportion? I don't think bovine food products are that big a problem anymore. There are other factors accelerating your offspring's maturation, and it's being driven by B$H, bovine dollar hormone, which is found in cash cows.


Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Hoops! They Did Us Again

Spurs- 92
Suns- 87
Outta the playoffs. I am disappointed. The Spurs didn't even play dirty this year.

Tony Parker gets Eva Longoria and another victory over Phoenix? It ain't right, I tell ya. Anybody got Eva's number? She doesn't know this, but she's always really liked me. It's okay,I don't mind sacrificing myself to distract Parker next season.


It's for the good of the Suns, right?



Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Hearts Dancing Off-Key

"If love is a musical, I want
better choreography."-HumorSmith

Our overly romantic media fueled view of love notwithstanding, we all still seem to want to believe in the happily, not just ever after but right now, dammit! Newsflash: love is work. It can be fun work, but it is still a job, and I think that's where most of us lose it.

Even if you adore your job, you will have days when it's sheer drudgery. Same with your relationships. You have to do a little legwork at first if you expect to go dancing away with the object of your reflection anytime soon, reflection being what most people look for: someone to not only complement them but mirror their tastes and values. Wake up, for crap's sake! It's a love affair, not a grocery list. You want value, clip some coupons. You want lovevity*, get to work.

I understand this, really I do. The key question is what comes afterglow? Many relationships will not stand up to the cold, revealing light of day, or even the bedroom light; realities of life just seem to get in the way of the fantasy of romance. We need to find something to hold onto when the crazed lust state fades away, as it surely will. If you've been with someone more than 5 years and you're still crazed, call me right now; I have some questions for you.

Some of us choose to hang onto the fantasy of Hollywood musical love, which is fine as far as it goes, but do you really want to dance in high heels while it's raining? See? There's our old pal reality waiting to cut in. There's also the strong possibility your partner isn't Fred or Ginger and then what? You ever try walking to a waltz? We all need to get a grip, and I don't mean on our lover. We must find a way to balance the romantic with the mundane, the love with the bills, the belles with the balls.










If you want to see a film that hits some very true home runs out of the love ballpark, check out "Forgeting Sarah Marshall".Yeah, I know it's a comedy, but I'm sure you're aware there is truth in comedy. All through this movie, I was filled with a "been there, done that" feeling, and it wasn't always funny. True comedy often isn't funny as much as it is painful. Same with love. Don't misunderstand, I still believe in romance. I'm just not dancing anymore.

*romantic longevity



Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

The New Wright Wing

"Thanks for letting me sleep during your sermons. Now, about that trip I promised you.....how's 7 months or so in Africa sound? I understand they need some volunteers to help with HIV research and education, and I think your knowledge of the subject will be invaluable...."



Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

ICE Capades

"Wondered what he did before he was sheriff."-HumorSmith






Here in Phoenix, Sheriff Joe is busy rounding up illegals and shippin' 'em out. He and his deputies make "sweeps" through different areas,stop people for things like minor traffic violations, and if the ID is bogus, that's all she wrote. A lot of the towns he's helping out have said they didn't ask him for help, but to that, Joe responds, "I know nothing, nothing", and continues on his merry way.

The thing about our sheriff is, unlike our government, he's actually doing something. Wrong or right, he's making an effort. Immigration and Customs Enforcement (ICE) agents have been helping train Joe's posse, which helps their efficiency. The way the laws are set up, you can't just step in and deport somebody because they're here illegally. So, stop them for a busted headlight, then send them home.

Now,I know some of you are thinking this isn't fair, but look at it this way: these are the neighbors who walk uninvited into our hoUSe, hide in the closet, and then want equal treatment, jobs, and all the stuff we worked for,while the elected officials we put in power do nothing to stop them. And when we tell them we'd like to call it a night 'cause we've gotta get up early and it's time they went home, they act hurt and astounded we'd ask them to leave.

I hear lots of cries to "Close the borders", but if we did, then we'd all have to go to Barnes & Noble for books. Let's be rational. I think one thing we can all pretty much agree on is gasoline is waaaay too expensive. Okay, so let's get Mexico to sell us their oil at a discount, and for every dollar they knock off the ppb, we'll let 100 of their citizens into the country legally. I think that's a better deal than anything we'll get from the OPECkerheads.







Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Let's Give It Arrest

So, it's good to have money, isn't it? Probably doesn't hurt if you pretty much look like this to begin with, though. I was thinking about the Hugh/Divine thing today, and was struck once again by how dumb we guys can be. Yeah, like that's a revelation. Imagine losing La Liz because of

what? Poor judgment? Overactive testosterone? Just being a guy? Ironically, although in the long run it didn't hurt Hugh's career, it made Ms.Brown a millionaire. Reportedly she made 1.6 mill off the publicity.

Why am I the only one who seems to suffer from bad decisions? I've done ridiculous things all my life, but am I a millionaire? Or even a hundredaire? No, just an airehead. The rich and famous can do just about anything they wish and be universally forgiven and or admired. Ordinarys can also do whatever they wish, but not only does it go unnoticed, it will not enrich us. In fact, it enpoored me.

We are bombarded daily with the doings of Britney/Lindsay/Paris and their sycophants, and they are famous for what exactly? For being famous? For doing rehab and imbibing massive amounts of liquor and having traffic and baby accidents? I've done most of the above except the parent trap, but the only reason people will know is if they happen to read this blog. So, should these celebrijerks get richer and more famous for questionable activities? Maybe not. It's not really my call. It wouldn't hurt if they paid a bit higher price, perhaps, but that's probably not going to happen. Occasionally though, the courts deliver a big "neener neener", even if you have lots of money. As for the have a lots and the have a littles, I'd love the chance to earn from my mistakes.


Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Blue Skying

So is anyone really surprised anymore when someone with power abuses their position? This Air Force contract scandal over hiring a firm to help promote the Thunderbirds really doesn't seem newsworthy in today's world, but it's Monday and there's not a lot else happening right now, so....


The trick is to find someone who won't use their authority and position to help a friend or a person who can do a favor for them in return. Keep in mind this was a $50 million dollar contract at stake, so the temptation was pretty strong, but still. This wasn't the USAF's money. This was ours, and nobody asked us who should get the contract, or even if giant video screens were a good idea. Of course, in almost all cases like this, the abuser is not dealing with his own money, so it never feels wrong. After all, what's the harm in spending other people's cash, especially if you'll be helping a friend. But this is our own military. I think a part of most of us wants to believe the shakers and movers in charge of the country are above this sort of thing. With the USAF, being above it would seem only natural.

The news folks never seem to mention it's our money when too much gets spent or misdirected. They call it "government funds",or some such. Guess what? The government doesn't have any funds of its own. If they did, we wouldn't have to pay taxes. I think it'd be a great idea if a way were found to make political campaigning a lot less expensive. For instance, what if the candidates debated via email, and stayed home instead of running to all the primary states, or if tv and radio spots were free? That would really cut costs, and then when the winners take office they'd be able to use their personal funds to run things. Bet we'd see a lot less waste. They might even start clipping coupons at 1600 Penn Ave. And I wouldn't care about "contract scandals" 'cause it's not my money. By the way, those jets in the picture? Ours. Wanna ride?

Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Saints Alive

"Live fast, die young and have a good-looking corpse."- Nick Romano, Knock On Any Door

"Let's see if I've got this right: eight glasses of water a day, moderate drinking, an hour of exercise three times a week,regular sleep patterns, and avoid Madonna movies. But I wanna look good while I'm alive. You've got time for all that stuff where you are."- HumorSmith

Padre Pio looks terrific for a guy who's been dead 40 years. They exhumed his body, prettied him up and put him on display in Italy. And this is a saint! I couldn't make this up; I'm not that perverse. Something like this really puts our celebrity culture obsession in perspective. I take back everything I've said about the shallowness of the tabloids and celeb stalkers. Does this scenario seem wrong, or is that just me?

Used to be the only way the famous could get peace and quiet was to die, a move many considered a bit extreme, so they settled for floppy hats and dark glasses.Imagine having to worry about being dug up and paraded around so your fans can fawn over you once again. The weeklies will be full of "celebridied" sightings, and tv will have "Deadstyles of the Rich and Famous". At least now when people claim to have seen Elvis, they have the decency to not actually go get him.


Saint Pio's "face" is a silicone mask, but don't kid yourself, the major cosmetics firms have been working on slowing down the dirt nap's effect on skin for decades. Doubt me? One word:exfoliation, because there's nothing more unsightly than dead skin. Estee Lauder has already tried to hire Pio's makeup guy, and I suspect the Eternity fragrance crew isn't far behind. I can't help thinking there must be better ways to achieve immortality, but commerce marches on. Fact is,there's a new company starting up, called LayAway Cosmetics. The ad gurus have already begun market research, and the first slogans are ready to roll:

"Don't let death and decomposition rob you of your looks."

"Even after you're laid to rest, you still can look your very best."

"Nothing can rob your skin of moisture quicker than being slabbed. Let EternMoist restore that lifelike glow to dessicated skin."

"Apply DecompStop cream liberally before you lay down for your eternal beauty sleep."

"Do you look like death warmed over? Well, having no visible signs of life doesn't have to ruin your appearance. Rejuvenate with ReaperSol, the only foundation guaranteed to give you that lifelike appearance that lasts millenia. Remember, you can take it with you. In fact, you need to."


Wonder if my fellow Boomers are driving this? They never let anything stop their quest for eternal youth, so I guess death was the logical next target. Hold on, I just got an email from a dead singles dating site. Okay, that's it. You'll have to excuse me now, I've got to go get on the waiting list at the crematorium.


Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Take A Hike

I've discovered blogging isn't good exercise. Damn it! Unfortunately that means I'm gonna have to actually get up and do something. Although there are no mountains here in Phoenix like there were in Seattle, I've seen some pretty good hills, and aside from the rattlesnakes and the possibility of heatstroke, they look like fun. Matter of fact, I've found one hill that looks particularly challenging, but I think it's worth the climb.



I'll let you know how my health program works out.



Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Juggling Happiness

"Welcome to the petri dish that is my life."- HumorSmith

"Ohhhh, Rob!"- Laura Petrie (spelled differently, but still a dish)


Life is an ongoing experiment; you should never stop reaching and striving and growing. Holy crap...I'm exhausted. Quick survey: all of you who are exactly where you want to be in your life journey, and thoroughly satisfied,raise your hands. Liars!

See, when you say it's all fine and you're happy, then things stop with that and you stay frozen on that particular rung. Just another cosmic joke folks. If you think you're happy you're wrong. Nothing wrong with being satisfied; it's complacency you have to watch out for. But don't take my word for it. Check out the self help section at your neighborhood Barnes and Noble; the space is enormous. If there are that many satisfied people, then why are so many searching for the answer? 'Cause we're a bunch of whiny bastards.

What if an answer doesn't exist? If it does, it'll be different for everyone, so the books just keep coming. I say why sweat? Take each day and each event as it is, and try to learn something. We're making it all too hard. Life is for having fun, because it's finite, and wasting too much effort is counterproductive.

I suppose you could have too much fun, and if you do, call me. I'll be right over. I funned my way right out of a relationship, and I bet I'm not the only one to have that experience. It's okay, though. Relationships are like buses; they'll run your ass over if you jaywalk.

People have a tendency to think too much and feel too little and that leads to trouble, or financial success.Ever notice how it's almost impossible to get everything in your life functioning smoothly at the same time? We are all inept jugglers, and the noise you hear is breaking plates, or in my case, smashed balls.I have been financially successful and loved, but not all at once. Things invariably started springing leaks so much I was frantically sticking my fingers in the dike, and she didn't like that at all.

I admit to being adrift on the dating sea. Unfortunately of late, my ship has been the SS Minnow. The last woman I was seeing kissed me passionately, talked endlessly about almost everything, laughed at my jokes, held my hand, and after three dates ended it because she was looking for more. More what? Give me a clue...how much more fun can there be? Passionate kisses apparently don't mean what they used to. I blame it on the Internet, only because it's unthinkable to believe it was me. After all, I am fun with a capital P.

This all leaves me with a strong desire to forge ahead in whatever career I next find myself. I certainly won't have any plates to distract me. Or balls.

Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Driven By Distraction

"Excuse me sir, did you know this is an election year? Sir? Sir?"

One thing you might not want to do is bundle your services. If you don't know, that's when your cable tv provider is also your Internet and phone guru. You can save money by having all this handled by one entity, but if you fall behind in your payments, not only do you have nothing to watch, but you can't call anyone to complain or bitch about it on your blog.

I've noticed this happens a lot. When a company approaches you with a "good deal", it mostly works out in their favor. In this way, these corporations are like Las Vegas casinos, only with worse odds. In Vegas all you lose is money; with major companies, you lose your social outlets and electricity. I tried to switch providers a while back and I lost Internet, phone, tv and power for 2 days. They told me it was an accident, but when everything came back, my phone wouldn't connect with any competitors' numbers. I could call, but I only got error messages, a malevolent mechanical voice that said, "Can't they hear you now?" You really have to watch those guys.


"My Internet/phone/cable provider? Why do you ask?"



This is not really news; we consumers have always been at the mercy of the business world. We are told we need certain things, and man, we've gotta get 'em. This makes corporate America happy and keeps us distracted while the politicians and lobbyists dig deeper into our pockets. We're mired in Vietraq, but isn't the Iphone great? Gas at $4.00 a gallon, but HDTV...it's here, it's now, it's wow. Plus the government has mandated digital broadcast compliance by early February 2009, so you'd better buy that new tv today. When did that one sneak under the radar? You need a new tv or a converter box to watch anything? Big Brother's not only watching, he's hiding in the bathroom with the remote. I'll bet they passed that compliance law while everyone was busy texting. Hey, it could happen.

Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Philadelphia Freedumb

Uh Oh...




Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Spun

"It's a recession when your neighbor loses his job; it's a depression when you lose your own." — Harry Truman

"My money's at recess, and I can't afford a key to the playground."
-HumorSmith

(Associated Press) -- President Bush says the United States is not in a recession but in an economic slowdown.


Yeah, right. My finances are in a recession. I reached into my wallet today and both my singles recessed into the darkest corner they could find. At least my money matches my hairline now. Do they make a Rogaine for cash? I'd be thrilled to see my funds grow overnight. That hasn't happened since I was a kid and the tooth fairy would make a visit. Sorry, the tooth alternative lifestyle person. Whew...that was close.

Spin doctors and politicians keep operating on the principle that if you say something in an innocuous enough way, then it isn't bad. To most of us, there's little difference between recession and economic slowdown. They both mean we're broke. Of course, I have been economically decelerating since I lost my job in February. Well, I didn't really lose it. I know exactly where it is, they just won't let me go get it. See what I mean? Losing your job sounds better than being terminated. Making a living sounds better than either one of them.

Making a living is what exactly? I don't have a job, but I am living. Austerely to be sure, but still living. When I'm working, I'm making money. The money improves the quality of my living. Might be better to say "making a quality". At the moment, my fun lifestyle is in a recession. A tow truck is gonna show up pretty soon and recede my car. I am about two weeks from the recession of my condo. My hair could use reseeding. I have never been to Reseda, CA. Guess my sense of humor is the only thing not in a recession. Wonder if I could get a loan on it? Never mind, since the divorce, I am all a loan.

Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Blasting Caps And Gowns

Seems Ashley Dupre has disappeared from public view for a few weeks. Not
to worry; she will be back. If you live in NJ and really want to find her, just lean out your window, wave a $1000 dollar bill and make noises like Eliot Spitzer.




Yet another kid had plans to bomb his school. They want to give him a mental health evaluation. Ya think? Tell you what, this one's fine, go find the students who don't want to do some serious damage to their schools and universities; those are the ones with derailed trolleys, or that's what the media would like us to believe. According to them, the majority of educational misfits are hatching schemes to leave their mark on society as well as the campus. Um, kids? Yeah, you with the black clothes and the sour expression and the rifle. Do us all a favor and when the frustration and anger get unbearable, go piss on your prof's tires or tp the frat house. Why this compelling need to take as many people out with you as possible? Look, let me know your address and I'll send you one bullet, but you have to promise to use it where it will be the most beneficial. True, it'll be hard for you to kill your ungrateful classmates if you shoot yourself first, but they'll forgive you. And don't worry; the media will give you plenty of attention, even with a low body count.

Whatever happened to closing yourself up in your car or your room and screaming at the top of your lungs until you were exhausted? Trust me, that is great therapy, and nobody gets hurt. What's wrong with that? How about a nonviolent method to vent your inner demons? Geez, I remember days when I didn't want to talk to anybody and I was sure the world was against me, but I would beat up on my pillow or take a long walk, or spill my guts out to a tape recorder. You know what? All those processes worked. Not instantly, but eventually I got better and the world got friendlier. Wiping out half the student body not only does nothing for your anger, it will not endear you to the public.

Of course, the people's morbid fascination is a great incentive for these emotionally stunted whiners to indulge their appetite for mayhem. Maybe if we quit watching, the cap and gown commandos will disarm. Hey! Get over yourselves! Just because you think nobody understands you is no reason to explain everything with a bomb. That doesn't leave much room for discussion. If you're so determined to thrill us with your explosive personality and dynamite social skills, I know some people in Iraq who'd love to meet you.

I recall cherry bombs going off almost weekly in the johns at my high school. Imagine the reactions if that happened today. Schools would become even more of an armed camp than they are now. Here's an idea: instead of investing all that money in metal detectors and security guards, let's buy a few stupidity detectors and put 'em at the entrances. Those would work well everywhere, now I think about it. Malls, movies, bowling alleys, paintball arenas, face painting shops. Well, maybe not face painting shops; they'd go out of business.

Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Homonecide

Ah, what a country. Anything's possible. Entrepreneurs are everywhere you look, as are oportunities. I guess I just haven't been looking in the right places, or perhaps I don't recognize opportunity even when it's right in front of me sleeping on the sidewalk.

Two women, 77 and 75 years old, came up with the unique idea of offering homeless men food and shelter, then insuring them for lots of money and killing them. This is the kind of stuff they don't write about in Fortune magazine, and I have a sneaking hunch the SBA would be reluctant to help you get started up, but it's a very novel way to make a living,and it's a much more eco-friendly idea than lighting 'em up with kerosene and matches. That is so old school. It also would help to come up with a snappy name for your death monetization business, something that says it succinctly, and since I'm always here for you, consider this a freebie: Homonecide,LLC. Trust me, as you generate more and more product, the limited liability aspect will be a lifesaver. To play it really safe, limit your advertising to the back pages of your city's free weekly paper, and call it pest removal. Try to get placed on the same page as "massage parlors". I hear your confusion, but your business is really about getting rid of rodents just like theirs is really about massage. You'll do fine.

That's the thing about America. You can do anything you want; there is virtually no limit other than your imagination. Thankfully, very few folks have this kind of imagination, but if anyone ever figures out a way to make a profit off maladjusted college students with a weapons cache, look out. The first steps are already there. Fame is instantaneous; with all the news outlets scrambling for video fodder, that's a no-brainer. The money bit's still a bit tricky, but look how close OJ got with his proposed book detailing exactly how he didn't kill Brown and Goldman.

Think about it. If things had turned out differently, we would be reading Oswald's book "I Should've Gotten A Better Rifle And An Air Ticket To Cuba", or Mark Chapman's "No, I'm Really The Walrus", or Manson's "Hell Yeah, I Did It". Now that I think about it, the hard part isn't getting the money. The hard part is stopping people from buying.



Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Driven By Love

Relationships. They're not easy. Why do you think they call 'em relationships? You can go on for months or years, nothing but smooth sailing, then WHAM you're on the soul shoals, lonely and bereefed. First question should be, "Who's driving the boat?" If the answer isn't you, there's trouble. It should be a joint effort, (God knows I smoked enough of those in my first marriage. Didn't help, I thought Doritos were gourmet appetizers for years.),not a pilot/passenger affair.

What we really need is a lighthouse, something other than Dr.Phil or Laura to warn us of impending disaster. I'm thinking more along the lines of the robot from Lost in Space yelling "Warning! Warning! Danger HumorSmith!" I doubt that would help much, though. Some relationships just wear out. Others wear on and on and on and....

Looked at in the cold light of post erection, it's hard to imagine any guy willingly getting into a commitment, I mean one other than "The Suns game next Wednesday? Sure!" You know,long term. I was thinking about this the other day, (like I've been saying, I'm out of work.), and it occurred to me it'd be good to approach a relationship as if you were buying a car. Yeah, there's a lot of legalese in that contract, but down the road, you can get tuneups, extended warranties, and even trade in value, which helps offset depreciation. One really great thing is you can get any annoying noises fixed. And what about vacations? Right, leave it in extended parking and get a rental at your destination. It's a win win! And before I get ornery comments, ladies, this works for you too. I know some guys can be a pack o'trouble. Especially the insensitive ones who don't blog.

Any investment requires careful thought and planning, and it's a real good idea to make sure you both have favorable terms in the contract. That way, when the ship really starts flying, you'll be covered in something besides sand.

Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Crashing The Party

Although being unemployed does leave a lot of spare time, and I do want to find a way to make money very badly, (hmmm...maybe I should think that one over; I've been making money badly my entire working life.), there are some things I won't do just to get noticed. F'r instance, doing wild stuff for a video to post on You Tube.

Extreme quests for fame are nothing new, and I doubt it will ever stop, but I think it's getting worse with reality tv and all the amateur video sites. The bar has been raised, and unfortunately there are a bunch of people wanting to leap over. The only bar I'll leap over is the one at the Hyatt Regency; they keep the really good stuff on those shelves against the mirror.

Now more than ever, the general feeling is "anyone can do it", and while that may be true, it doesn't mean it's a good idea. Even "don't try this at home" has no meaning anymore for these potential stretcher fillers; they want to try anything. There are easier ways to join the famous and rich party. Talent and persistence for example. In my past, wild for me was cranking my car up to 80 on the freeway. Okay, maybe that doesn't thrill you, but it was a '72 Vega, and at any speed above 55, it was like bronco busting. If you looked up "shimmy" in the Webster, you'd see a Vega. Today's cars are much improved, but they still aren't meant to have less than 4 wheels on the road. On a related note, a motorcycle riding on one wheel is a unicycle.

Yeah, I know, this is not going to stop anybody from doing this stuff. That's fine, that's not really my goal; there are too many people here using up too few natural resources as it is. But let me make a suggestion: there are really good ways to make money daring fate. Becoming a pro stuntman will not only keep you safer, those of us who want to keep all our original parts will applaud you for getting the hell away from us.


Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Throw Another Blog On The Fire

I should probably get out more, but I'm thinking it'll be more fun if I have money to spend, so I guess I'll be waiting until I have a job. Yeah, I'm still unemployed. I could have picked a better time to jump ship, but I've made bad decisions all my life, so why change now? That's the update.

Life is all about the decisions. For instance, here's a list of blog ideas I came up with before I settled on the HumorSmith:

1.Hints for a happy marriage the FLDS way

2. Dating tips from Eliot Spitzer

3. The FAA- working to make you and your loved ones safer

4. Idaho Senator Larry Craig's list of the best airport restrooms

5. "You really think a fence is gonna keep 'em out? Berlin had a wall!"

6. Interview with Barack Obama- " Bitter voters are the future of politics".

7. Britney Spears' guide for new moms

8. Catholic priests' advice on raising healthy, happy young boys

9. Electric cars with 20,000 mile long extension cords

10. Skateboarding vs. waterboarding

Like I said: decisions. There's no shortage of good ideas, but this chronicle just feels right for me. Besides, Britney is really hard to talk to these days.

Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Friendly Skies

That's what the ads exhorted us to enjoy. Turns out friendliness is a big problem. The FAA apparently has been a bit too cozy, warm and fuzzy with some airlines. No big deal, right? Except they were ignoring a lot of things that should have been fixed. Doesn't it give you a feeling of security to know the plane you're about to board was checked over by some good friends of the airline?

"I don't know Jim, that wing looks a bit loose."

"Uh huh, it does kinda. Next!"

Can you say things got a bit FAA***ed up? And things like this keep happening. I don't know about you, but whenever I hear some federal agency or other has been given the task of making sure anything we ride in, fly in, sail in, or skate on meets all safety standards, that's when I want to start investing in medical equipment companies, hospitals and mortuaries. Come on folks, these are the same guys who came up with the fence between us and Mexico and the income tax and social security and our immigration policy and the drug war. I say starting right now,each and every person should be issued tool kits and safety manuals at birth. We need to start taking responsibility for our own safety instead of leaving it to the government; they've got more than enough to do already, and you see what happens when they try to multitask. Trust me, the herd will still get thinned, but it'll be our own damned fault. There's a reason it's called "natural selection".

I'm not real comfortable with friends checking their friends' work. Find me a company in the world whose employee handbook says, ".....before you finish any project, be sure and let Uncle Bob give it the seal of approval." Not a good idea in the corporate world, not a good idea in the government sector. "Uncle Bob" is most likely gonna rubberstamp your plan to display the shirts where the dresses are now and vice versa at your department store. But the FAA and "Uncle Bob" are approving errors in big tubes of metal weighing thousands of tons that will drop like stones when stuff goes wrong. And take lots of folks with them. I wonder how many FAA chiefs flew on their good buddies' planes? Think this could be a big reason the terrorists haven't done anything here since 9/11? They probably just figure they'll sit back and watch us do ourselves in.

"Damn Jim, I can't hardly believe that exit door just fell off in flight. You sure nobody I know was on that plane? I'd hate to think that. A stranger is one thing, but a friend...."

Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Nothing For Money

Maybe it's time to bring back the barter system. It's true there are some online sites offering just that, but I think it'd be great if I could go to the grocery store, load up a basket, then tell the clerk I'll write her twelve speeches and sixty pages of assorted humor in trade.There's where a sense of humor could come in really handy.

Humor is what I intend to make a living on, which is why it's especially terrific to be living at this particular point in time, when material for the HumorSmith forge is plentiful. You wanna talk about gross national product? Try this for example: The Ashley/Spitzer sitcom. Here's this talentless, (well, at least musically), young thing with the best rack money can buy, who gets outed as a call girl when the gov gets busted, and suddenly she's making mega $$$ off her songs and is inundated with offers from various skin mags for her to pose nude for yet more money. Yes, America's a great country, but we really do have an unfortunate propensity to grant the wrong people their 15 minutes. If you think I'm being too harsh, wait a few months/years. I guarantee there are quite a few young men and women right now who have found new role models. And don't forget the collateral damage; all of a sudden, Paris Hilton looks good.


Today, it's all about that pesky folding green stuff. Great if you have some, not so good if you don't. Guess which camp I'm in? Good news is it'll only take about 30 seconds to file my taxes this year. I promise myself next year to use H&R Block; it's important to have goals. Lest you think I've just been wasting all this free time, no way. I have been getting in touch with myself. You should see the stack of letters I've written to me, and the long distance calls, wow. Although I've cut down on those since I found myself. While we're on that subject, I'm telling you all the New Age gurus and self-help folks are making it way too tough. They all tell you to find yourself, and some people make a career of it. It's not a challenge. Know how I found myself? I just looked down one day and there I was, and the two of us are doing just fine, thank you.

Being in touch and located makes life a lot easier, and I have really learned to be a self-contained operating system. I am just fine alone,my needs are taken care of, microwave meals and packaged salads work just dandy, and the sex? Well, um....let's not go there. The double whammy of divorce and unemployment really just pisses me off, but what can you do? Some days priority # 1 is to find a woman, sometimes it's to find a job. Lately I've been saving time by looking for a woman who has a job,and is willing to share her income. That may be a whole new idea for a singles dating site: women looking for unemployed men. When she asks me what I do, I can smile and bat my eyes seductively and tell her,"Nothing for money."

Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Money For Nothing

"Blogging is like a massage without the happy ending; you're always bound to rub somebody the wrong way." - HumorSmith

"Honey, I shrunk our savings." -HumorSmith

Congress and the President are working furiously to put together a plan to bailout homeowners in danger of foreclosure. I wish they'd done something for me when I ran my ass into severe credit card debt. I know, I hear you saying "but it was all your fault.", and you're right. Many homeowners got in over their heads through no fault of their own when shady lenders offered them rates that seemed too good to be true, and weren't once they increased. This enabled people who may not have been able to afford a 1st home for years, if ever, to buy one. These folks are deserving of help, but....since we will be footing the bill to rescue them, don't you think it would've been nice if we'd been asked first?

Same with the Bear Stearns debacle. I'm not so sure these guys deserve a bailout, after all, corporate greed is what got us here in the first place. Everyone always wants something for nothing, or at least for very little. I'm guilty of it too, I mean, it's not as if credit card abuse is actually spending money, right? It's just a little plastic card, and I'm helping the economy by buying things. Holy cow, I'm my own enabler. Oh, government, where is my financial aid package? Are you sure one of the big financial institutions isn't interested in a leveraged buyout? I'll swing 'em a good deal on my stock. Never mind, I'm sure the Dems would scuttle any plan Bush came up with for me anyway.

Did your head spin at how fast they rescued Bear Stearns? Now, compare that with the time it's taking to even come up with a workable plan for the threatened homeowners. Hmmm, every now and then it's good to be reminded just how important we are to the powers that be. I don't know about you, but government never writes or calls me, even just to say "howdy". Matter of fact, I believe they never think about me at all until April 15th. Oh wait, I forgot because I'm currently unemployed. They send a nice little greeting with every paycheck, don't they? Glad I can contribute to Social Security, even though there won't be much left when I need the cash. Maybe it's time to rethink the name. How about Social Disease? Yeah, that'll work. Seems about right when you consider what the government's been doing to us all these years.

Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Is He Coming Back?

Told you I was unemployed. Do you have any idea how cranky your ISP gets when you don't pay them?

Yes, I know that's a rhetorical question, but for cryin' out loud. This 2 week hiatus was almost enough to make me lose my sense of humor, not to mention it completely derailed my thought train.

I shall return.

At least until I get evicted.