Are We There Yet?

"Guess I was Bourne under a bad sign."-Matt Damon

"Saw a sign in the park the other day. It was in a neighborhood plagued by taggers. Said 'Keep Off The Sign'. Oddly, all the grass was trampled down."-HumorSmith


The city of Columbia, SC hired an out of state company to put up some signs in town. Good idea, huh? It was all going pretty well until someone noticed some signs were pointing motorists away from the intended destination. Not being especially psychic, I've never seen bad signs so clearly before.

I'm sure the company was hired because theirs was the lowest submitted bid, and I applaud the city fathers for trying to save money. However, it ended up a lot like many other things our elected officials get involved in. At least it probably didn't cost billions, and I doubt the errant sign posters will get a trip to a nice resort, (see previous post), but still...wouldn't you think somebody would've paid attention?

It's especially irritating when you consider many people today turn to our state and federal institutions for guidance, and they could end up going the wrong way entirely just because the sign told them that was the right direction. We look to our leaders for help with life, and look what happens.

Let's be honest with ourselves; we love being told what to do and where to go, because that way when it doesn't work out, we don't have to accept responsibility. Sure, that all sounds very neat and simple, but it can lead to problems, even when the answers are in plain sight. One time a few years ago, I was attempting to leave a mall in Seattle and wound up in a group of about a dozen people standing in front of the exit doors, which were not sliding open as they should. God knows how long those folks had been standing there before my arrival, but you should have seen their relieved expressions when I walked to the doors and opened them.Admittedly, that sign helped a bit, but evidently I was the only one whose vision wasn't clouded by the sheer terror of being trapped in a mall. Point is, we need to remember to read all signs with a grain of salt. Some are good, some are bad, but if you take the time to read them, you will be able to decide for yourself if you want to take responsibility for continuing down that path. Unless you're in Columbia, SC of course. Then I would suggest Mapquest and GPS. Let them take the blame.


Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Caught With Our Guard Down

The National Guard is reportedly saddled with a $47.5 billion deficit in their equipment accounts, so when it's time for the leaders to assemble for one of their thrice-yearly conferences, you can bet budget restrictions will severely limit the places they'll go. For instance,last week's meeting, called "Guarding Paradise With Culture and Spice" was held here:




This no frills, $240 a night, (at government rates), hotel is on the godforsaken, barren, depressing island of St.Thomas, U.S. Virgin Islands.

They also brought their spouses. Hang on, it gets better. This is all being paid for by.....us. The citizens of this great country. I don't know about you, but I would've booked 'em into a Motel 6 in Poughkeepsie and called it good. Or better yet, why not make the pinhead(s) who lost (misplaced?) the $47 billion pay for the trip?

Think about this: what would happen to you and your company if a $47.5 billion shortage was discovered? If you were involved, I'm guessing jail time. If it was the company's fault, bankruptcy. Oh, wait. I forgot about Bear Stearns. No problem, the government would find the money to help, I'm sure. It's a safe bet no one would be rewarded with a trip to the Virgin Islands.

This sort of thing gets tiresome. I keep expecting the folks in charge to use common sense. What the hell is wrong with me? The lesson is clear: if you follow the rules, you get screwed. If you make huge mistakes, you get to do really nice things, and everyone else gets to pay for it. This would seem like a good time to call for more government oversight, but remember it's the government and its agencies that keep pulling this overwoven wool over our eyes. That is the double edged sword of a democratic society; we have a bunch of morally lax reprobates in charge, but we put 'em there. Maybe next time we'll elect some less morally lax reprobates.


This is still the greatest country on earth. There are still millions of terrific people here. It is still possible to accomplish virtually anything you wish. Especially if you are in charge and can play with other people's money. The National Guard vacation/conference probably got planned and approved in an un-Guarded moment or three. Look at it as playing a game of Monopoly where only your opponent gets to buy the expensive property and only they can put up hotels, but they take the funds out of your bank.


I used to hope for a level playing field; now I'd just like a chance to play.


Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Loan Ranger

Seems we're on the verge of licensing loan officers in Arizona. Silly me, I thought they were always licensed. If the info I have is correct, currently about 14 states don't require licenses. Hmmm.....they license mortgage brokers. So, why not loan officers??

Might cut back on conversations like this: "Who was that masked man, anyway?"

"I dunno, but he left this silver certificate."

"Hm. Must've been the Loan Ranger!"

Of course, out here in the still pretty wild west, we still have lots of cowboys, so maybe I'm not the only one who thinks the fastest gun shouldn't be writing up our financial contracts. The current lack of fiscal fitness in this country is certainly due to more than one or two issues, but I can't help feeling if lenders were induced to be much more scrupulous, not so many homeowners would've gotten scruped.

Do you really want your lender to be "all hat and no cattle"? Isn't it enough that the economy is ready to buy the farm, do we have to throw in the ranch? I really want the idea of being "licensed to bill" to catch on. So many of these guys stole away into the night or went bankrupt after giving out mortgages that some regulation would've been nice.

The Lone Ranger is a hero. The Loan Ranger is someone who talks a good story but the closest he's been to a hero is at a delicatessen.

Please keep in mind none of the above is meant to tarnish the good reputations of these folks, or this gang either.

"A good humorist always practices CYA."-HumorSmith


Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Hey, My Career Is Unemployment....

Rush Hour

Main Street



Or that's how it seems. Less than a month into the new gig and I'm back in Phoenix and unemployed. I just spent 5 weeks in a small town. Not just an everyday, average small town. Nope. A violently, emphatically, rabidly, adamantly small town.

The company was pretty silly and had very little clue they were doing business in the 21st century. As for Tinyville? Yike! One horse town okay; this was a half-horse town, and that one got ridden on the sidewalk, of which there was one. 1 movie theatre showing new releases once a night at least one month after initial release date. 2 pizza places. A Sonic, a McDonald's, and a Dairy Queen. Safeway and Basha's. A laundromat. And that's about it for entertainment. Anything else is 50 miles away down an elk infested road. An elk versus a Mustang? I would lose that one. This place was Mayberry without the charm.

First morning I was there, a (the?) cop followed me into the parking lot to tell me the speed was 35, not 51. I thanked the nice officer, threw him a stale doughnut and he drove away on his moped.


I do not want to slam any religion, but one group in particular has a chokehold on that town, and the policy is very anti-growth, unless you're talking families. Not the warm fuzzy Corleone kind of family, either. The stick up the rectum holier than you and me kind of family. Small towns are fine, but this one was a definite buzzkill. I am glad to be back, but not glad to be looking once again for a job. My life seems to be circular at best, redundant at worst.


I will blog further.....



Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle