Dating Under The Influence

It's common knowledge women get better looking after a few beers, but I got to wondering the other day if I get better looking after a few martinis, and since I don't see that well after imbibing, looking in the mirror doesn't help. I've just decided I look the same, only I list a bit to one side more than usual.

I don't do the bar scene much anymore, so I haven't asked any women, and even if I did, the question would most likely be rendered unintelligible due to slurrage, so I figure the best way to find out if I'm attractive to the opposite sex is to go to work every day, stay home nights and blog. It's good to have goals, and I want to take it easy since my divorce. I'm still emotionally wounded you know, and they still have laws against ex-wife disappearances.

Also,I have discovered it's very hard to have cybersex when blogging; it's just too damn public, and I have enough trouble carrying on one conversation. To add a sexually oriented talk on the side while I communicate via the Chronicle with the rest of you is beyond my capabilities at present.

Studleyhungwell34: "Ooooh, baby, I love it when you touch my..." oops...geez! Sorry.

Color me embarrassed...and horny. You know how hard it is to get lip smears off the monitor? Or is that just me? Maybe this is tmi, but that's why you're here, isn't it? Now I think about it, I share regularly, when are the rest of you going to reciprocate? I promise no one besides us will ever know your sordid little secrets.

I thought once the quickest way to a woman's heart is through the vagina, but do you have any idea how messy that can get? For now, I will concentrate on being emotionally available, (women love that), and writing funny, as opposed to talking funny, which doesn't seem to be that much of an aphrodisiac. Sounding like Groucho Marx or Jim Carrey isn't the pick-up artist tool it once was; humor in public is often not appreciated in today's world, and my attempts at funny texting have been, to say the least, ineffective. Somehow, funny words reduced to imaginary contractions and numbers just don't swing the comedy punch like actual face to face conversing. But even meeting people is not the glide it used to be...everyone is too busy, or tied to the keyboard, or married to Brad Pitt.

Speaking of punch, I see the bowl needs filling. Let me leave you with one of my favorite quotes from the Chairman of the Board: "I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day."

Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

You May Reproach The Bench

"Judge not, lust ye be judged."-HumorSmith

Federal grand jury indicts US District Judge in Texas on sexual abuse charges
08-28-2008 8:13 PM
By JUAN A. LOZANO, Associated Press WriterHOUSTON Associated Press) --
U.S. District Judge Samuel Kent is charged with two counts of abusive sexual contact and one count of attempted aggravated sexual abuse.

A former case manager at the U.S. District Court in Galveston accused Kent of twice touching her under her clothing and repeatedly making obscene suggestions during the six years she worked with him.

How does that grab ya? You would think federal judges would be above this sort of behavior, but guess not. Horniness is no respecter of titles. Apparently, being a big deal lawmaker doesn't make you a chick magnet, either. Maybe he was confused, and thought the woman wanted him to try her case.

I learned from this that if His Dishonor is convicted of aggravated sexual abuse, he will face life in prison. Compare that with the national average sentence of 11 years for rape, of which on average, only 5 years is served.* I am firmly behind the idea that taking forceful advantage of someone for sex is wrong, very wrong, but how can there be such a disparity between punishments for aggravated sexual abuse and rape?

It's not that the authorities are sending a message; the actual sentencing guidelines mandate life imprisonment for the judge's offense. This kind of reactionary thinking gets to me a bit. I don't understand how these two crimes can be viewed so differently by the folks in charge. It becomes even more baffling when you find out the judge's lust object stayed with the man for 6 years, and his acts of fondling were 4 years apart. Granted, he spoke obscenely to her a lot, but she should certainly have made noises to the HR department much sooner than she did.

I am not condoning frisky boy's behavior, but I am suggesting a lighter sentence be imposed. Life seems like such a long time to pay for a few filthy words and a couple gropes. Perhaps he should just be banned from ever practicing law anywhere ever again,and given an 11 year sentence like all those wonderful rapists out there, the ones who regularly assault women, and then are free approximately 5 years later to do it all over again.

The judge should be very careful about his defense, especially in regard to how it will be mounted. He definitely needs to wear something under his robe, and make sure he gets to hit the field and not be a benchwarmer. As for his associate, she must have quite a paralegals to incite the old fart like she did. Shame on you, Kent, for making the woman's life hell on earth. As for you, young lady....complain earlier, louder, and put your foot down on the hoof of the next horny old goat you find yourself in chambers with.

Kent...I found the right partner for you. Give her a call and maybe you can go over your briefs together.



Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

The Ayes Hoove It

08-27-2008 1:27 AM
By NATE JENKINS, Associated Press Writer

HICKMAN, Neb. (Associated Press) -- The owner of a 32-year-old horse named Peter Rabbit wasn't able Tuesday to buck a local ban on livestock within city limits.

After widespread publicity of the ban that threatened to kick Peter Rabbit off the pasture where he was born, the Hickman City Council considered an ordinance Tuesday night that would allow horses inside city limits. But council members ultimately voted 4-2 against adopting it, leaving the ban intact.

Politicians with too much time on their hands strike again. It's not enough the economy tanked, causing folks to go bankrupt, suffer through foreclosure and just have a financially horrendous life, now they're gonna evict a horse? What's the horse ever done to residents of this pitiful litle burg? Just because some houses are springing up around Peter's pasture, the homeowners can't bear to look out and see him?

What's he doing, making rude comments as they drive by? Have they caught him smoking behind the barn? What the hell is this, a Far Side cartoon? Horses are pretty harmless critters for the most part, and they played an important role in the building of America; US Army sharpshooters wouldn't have received critical training if not for the thousands of Indians they shot out of the saddle, and the Lone Ranger would have had to walk. How weak an intro would it have been without Silver? "The tappity tap of footsteps, a puff of dust, the Lone Ranger walks again! Hi-yo Reeboks! Away!"

Maybe the guy was asking for trouble when he named the steed Peter Rabbit. What kind of name is that for a horse? Peter Rabbit's a name for, well, a rabbit. I suppose somewhere someone has a horse named Bugs Bunny. Knock it off, we've got enough trouble with celebrity baby names in this country, let's not inflict this embarrassment on animals. I suspect Apple won't have very many nice things to say about Gwyneth when she grows up.


Common sense might go a long way toward preventing stuff like this. Evicting a horse is ridiculous to begin with, but his defenders didn't stand a chance once they started to argue for clemency for Peter Rabbit. How could any lawmaker take the case seriously after they heard that? How about renaming the ol' codger something like Thunder, or Diablo? A name that might stir up a bit of fear in the heart of anyone planning to cross him. Who the hell's gonna be frightened of a rabbit?

Of course, when this mess ends up in the courtroom, I know the perfect attorney, just the one to speak eloquently and passionately for this benighted, soon to be depastureized horse.




Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Hands-On Training

Back in the day...okay, 20 years ago, when I was working overnights at a radio station in Portland, Oregon,I would often find my mind wandering in the wee hours. For those of you wondering how I could possibly be bored working in radio, let me tell you about something called a "playlist". No, not your friendly iPod stack o' tunes, I refer to the dreaded computer generated list of music which must be played during my shift.

Mandated melodies...wow. That's part of the reason I got out of broadcasting. It was becoming sterile; the suits would swing into town every quarter, hire a consulting firm, the firm would rent out a large room, find about 200 people to come in and listen to a few seconds of songs and rate them, then recommend the station program accordingly. Imagine....the song ratings were based on familiarity. Not cutting edge or innovative....but songs seared into the cerebellum of anyone old enough to know what a radio is.

This is what I was faced with each night from midnight until 4, when I would sit back and roll a taped feed of Tom Snyder from Los Angeles. So....my attention would seek amusement elsewhere. One morning, I stumbled into the station's huge vinyl room, where apparently every album they'd ever played in their 70 year history was stored. Mind you, no one could actually put any of this stuff on the air, but they did make for interesting reading. I became especially enamored with this one:

Did I mention how fond I have always been of Nancy? I owned that album when it first came out, and the cd reissue does a huge disservice to the cover photo; it's miniscule. Ahem...one late hour in particular, I was standing there gazing longingly at Nancy and feeling very good about things...in a few minutes, I began to feel really, really good about things. Soon, I was oblivious to all but the album in my hand and the images in my mind, when I heard the newsman arrive for his 5 am newscast.

Now, I was always alone overnight, so many of my more colorful antics went unnoticed, (perhaps one day I'll tell you about the long phone conversation I had with a very frisky female fan in her 20's), but in this case I had completely lost track of where the hell I was. I hurriedly but casually slid the record back on the shelf, adjusted my clothes and ran back to the dj booth. Okay, that last part wasn't done casually, but my reading of the weather and the commercials was smooth as always, and I figured I was in the clear until I heard the news guy laughing.

Took me a while to get over that one, especially with the newsie's snide comments about it being a rather "small" problem, and his mention of a magazine article he'd read on how to masturbate at work and not get caught. Damn reporters, they read everything and miss nothing.

I filed the episode away under "WTF was I thinking" and forgot about it until years later, when this came in the mail:

Where the hell was that when I really needed it? If that issue'd been released years before, I wouldn't have had to use my imagination with an old album cover, and I would never have been caught having such a good time by myself. So all right, the lack of creativity and freedom weren't the only reasons I left radio. Shortly after my rendezvous with Nance, I applied for a job with a competitor across town. During the interview he said he understood "Beat It" was my favorite song.


Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

The Sty's The Limit

HOG
TEENAGE GIRLS

"Not a good trade.
It'll cost more to feed the teens."-HumorSmith

Ky. politician jailed after joke; charge dismissed
By ROGER ALFORD
Associated Press Writer

HARLAN, Ky. —
Otis "Bullman" Hensley's wife sent him to a local grocery store to buy ground beef. While there, Hensley encountered a woman with her two nieces, ages 11 and 13. "I offered to trade her a fattening hog for those girls," Hensley said. "I meant it as a joke. I've said it a million times. Most people get a kick out of it."

Getting a little thin-skinned out there, aren't we? The comment was obviously made in jest, yet "Bullman" went to jail. Frightening news indeed, especially for a humor blogger. I don't want to spend time looking over my shoulder, so let's settle this right now: I am going to offend some people at some point in time. That's life in the funny lane. There's a very good chance I will not offer to trade a farm animal for your kids, however, but if I did, I would expect a laugh, not a ride in a police car.

The reaction in this case is especially odd considering not too many years ago, this would have been seen as a good trade in Kentucky. I haven't seen any evidence of swine for people bargaining here in Phoenix yet, but I do have some neighbors I'm keeping a close eye on.

Perhaps if Hensley had thrown in a pickup and steel wheels, the offer would have been more favorably viewed. In any event, it is good to always keep in mind that the people trade has fallen out of favor in much of America, unless you count Asian massage parlors.

It's not that it doesn't happen, it's just now mostly it's called politics, and the people being traded are us. Every time a politician wants to increase spending in their district, all they have to do is mention the number of constituents they represent, promise to throw everything they've got into persuasion, (read that lining pockets), and voila....instant pork barrels. The votes and the money come from us, and we are rewarded by winning some project to build something in our towns we didn't even know we wanted.

Of course, since this is politics in a democratic society in a free country, it makes no difference whether we want a thing or not, all that matters is the politicians get to keep their jobs. This joke isn't funny either, so how come nobody's arresting them?


Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Oh What A Tangled Web

I date online, therefore I am, sort of. First lesson: the Web is not gonna fix you! If you are a social clod in real life, you will also be one on Internet dating sites, despite how good ya clean up, and how pretty your prose is. Stop expecting instant gratification from some photos and a few well chosen words...that's what Penthouse Letters is for.

I think too many try to make dating sites a one stop shop for mating happily ever after, but it's not; it's just one more weapon in your arsenal, to be kept next to the bar scene, accidental grocery store meetings and church socials. Speaking of which, do those still work, or is Pastor Robinson prone to follow your lusting selves behind the bushes? Just tell him "Immaculate Conception" only works for God.

Stop lying with your photos. If you are older than 20, remove that graduation pic immediately. If you're using someone else's face, give it back. Nothing pisses off an Internet date more than falling in love with a picture of a sexy, alluring hottie, and then coming face to face with reality.

There's a lot to be said for the old fashioned methods of finding a soulmate. Being set up by friends, approaching someone you see and striking up a conversation, breaking into their house and pawing through their underwear drawer, these are all great ways to break the ice, although that last one has to be done very tactfully. It might be more effective to paw through their underwear while they still have it on. At least that way, the date won't be a complete waste of time.
Yeah, right....someone who looks like that doesn't need to use the Internet to find a lover. They pretty much just need to have a pulse, although there are those who....ah, never mind.*



*

Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Humor Us

There's now a great way to locate all the humor blogs you'll need. Just go to Humor Bloggers dot com and you'll find a porn....er....cornucopia of mirth, hilarity, and maybe even a couple smiles.

The site is the brainchild of my friend, Chelle B., AKA The Offended Blogger, and it's the new home of the best humor bloggers on the planet. When you head on over there, you can read a discussion forum, click on links to learn more about your favorite bloggers, and even make a new friend. Yep, Chelle and her team have set up a special laboratory and stocked it with donor parts for just that purpose.

Slide on over and tell 'em Humor sent you.


Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Booked

GRAFTON, Wis. (Associated Press) -- A Wisconsin woman has been arrested and booked for failing to pay her library fines.

Twenty-year-old Heidi Dalibor told the News Graphic in Cedarburg that she ignored the library's calls and letters as well as a notice to appear in court.

Still, she was surprised when officers with a warrant knocked on her door, cuffed her and took her to the police station to be fingerprinted and photographed.

Bit of overkill, don't ya think? Sure, she owed the library money. Sure she kept the books too long. But handcuffed and arrested? What would've happened if she'd kept a couple of dvds and cds? This makes me a tad nervous about renting or borrowing anything, Blockbuster or library card notwithstanding.

Sure, they say there will be no late fees if you don't return the movie, but how do we know we can trust them? Who could stand up against a huge corporation like that in court? I can see this trend getting completely out of hand. Say your living room is furnished with stuff from one of those ubiquitous rental places. Suppose you are delinquent in paying? Instead of harassing phone calls and a burly rental agent showing up on your front porch, they'll just go straight to warrants, police and handcuffs.

This feels like a sneaky way to bring back that old favorite, debtor's prison. I've got some bad news for those in charge: there's gonna be more people inside bars than out. Have you not noticed the economy in this country lately? But then again, maybe that's what's behind all this...it would certainly make the police's job easier; the fewer minor criminals running around free, the less work, the more time they can devote to the important things like rounding up the hardcore felons. You know, folks who actually do harm to other folks. Murderers for instance, as opposed to forgetful book lovers.
And is it really necessary to strip search someone arrested for overdue library fines?


Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Trojan Horse's Ass

ENGLEWOOD, N.J. (AP) — Police said a man called 911 and reported a robbery after a gas station employee refused to give him his money back for an unopened box of condoms.

A clear case of highway rubbery. I can see getting irate because the cashier won't give your cash back, but isn't this a bit extreme? Who hasn't wanted to hit a snotty store employee right between the orbs with a well-placed can of baked beans, but resisted the urge? This clown should've done the same. C'mon, are you gonna try and say that's just me? Some of you are not admitting to anger management issues here, because I certainly couldn't be in all those places at once, and I don't yell and honk my horn in traffic, and flip the bird, and abuse convenience store employees....not one of you is buying this, are you? Well, it's true...I can't be everywhere at once.

How sympathetic do you imagine the cops would be after responding to an "emergency" only to find out you're angry over not getting a refund? For an unused box of rubbers? I hope the guy held onto them, 'cause he's gonna need them.
I truly hope he finds some help for his problems. Maybe he was mad because his date didn't work out. Or maybe there was no one else in the gas station men's room. I can't blame him for not wanting to waste the money, but he could have saved himself a lot of grief first, by going inside disguised as Larry Craig, then whoever was in there and so inclined would know his advances would be welcomed. He had half a good idea, anyway, because not many are gonna out themselves without being sure there's a good time to be had, and what says "fun" like an unopened box of prophylactics?
I can't imagine what made him think calling 911 was a good idea, but the sperm backup most likely rendered the guy temporarily insane. I pray women reading this will take note and begin doing everything they can to prevent this nightmare ever happening to someone they know and love. Or someone whose blog they happened to visit once.


Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Waking The Dead

"That's the last time I order a bed from the Internet!"-HumorSmith

FROM THE ASSOCIATED PRESS August 19, 2008
SAN JUAN, Puerto Rico -- A Puerto Rican man has been granted his wish to remain standing -- even in death. A funeral home used a special embalming treatment to keep the corpse standing upright for his three-day wake.

At first I was a bit wigged out by this story, but as I thought about it, my attitude became "why not?" The deceased requested it, his family and friends were fine with it, so okay...but that opinion only lasted a couple seconds, and now I'm back to being completely freaked out. To begin with, how did they stop the endless "Weekend at Bernie's" jokes? Eulogies had to be rewritten hastily to omit all references to what a "standup guy" the guest of honor was.

We in America particularly seem to have a problem with death, as it's usually the last thing any of us wants to do, but I can't help feeling it's never too soon to make arrangements. Cremation or burial? There is a finite amount of ground available, so burial may not be the best choice. Interment in a crypt? Please...not after all the horror movies I've watched, thanks. Embalmed and standing up while all my friends and family members try to pretend nothing's changed?

I remember thinking, "how must the guy feel?" How's that for denial? Wakes are rituals many favor because it helps to ease the pain, but how many people could actually attend a gathering where a corpse is leaning against the living room wall? Yeah, sure, we've all seen folks who look exactly like this guy at parties, but there is a difference between stoned and dead. Minor, but still a difference. Depending on the amount of illegal substance ingested, I think brain function's a little higher in a corpse; certainly the embalmed dead look more aware, or maybe it's just the hip glasses. How many kids thought the guy was some high tech pinata? How many people asked to borrow him for their Halloween party?

I am not trying to make light of the situation...oh, wait, yes I am, but be honest. Would you choose to go out like this? I'll fess up now, I hate anything to do with death and funerals; in fact, I will not be attending my own, so you don't have to feel obligated to turn up. My feelings won't be hurt. I'll be dead...wow, I can't believe I just used "I" and "dead" in the same sentence...gimme a moment here...

Wakes are for the living, so let's return to the old fashioned kind where the corpse is not standing in the corner looking like he's ready to grab a cocktail off the tray, but lying in a box, like all self-respecting dead folks do, except in George Romero flicks.

There is a green side to this scenario; with ground space disappearing fast, being buried upright is very Earth friendly, and let's leave it at that. I don't want to add more Gore to this gruesome story.

Copyright © 2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Take A Bite Out Of Crime

MANASSAS, Va. (AP) -- Prince William County police say a man accused of stealing a dog from a 15-year-old Manassas boy has been charged with robbery

.

Last week it was teens breaking into a vending machine and now this. I can't believe how far the criminal element in this country has sunk.

Okay, so maybe the guy was lonesome and really wanted a dog. But stealing it from a 15 year old? What kind of Manassashole would do that? And he only did it because the youth had no money. Of course he didn't have money; kids have the folks' ATM card and a bag of video games and a Mickey's Big Mouth. Also possibly a Playboy and a Penthouse....but maybe that was just me. Anyway, teens are not the best targets for a holdup. If you're lucky enough to get their attention away from texting, it's doubtful they can hear you over the ear buds piping Kanye into their heads from their Nanos. Get a clue crooks! Return your efforts to old people with fat wallets and overstuffed purses, to middle-agers with convertibles, both bonds and cars. Y'know, people who have stuff other people want.

Good grief, when the economy starts to spiral into the toilet, everybody's brains apparently go along for the ride. Ya gotta think outside of the doghouse if you expect to make a living as a criminal. Try to steal items you can actually get a good amount of money for, and preferably not something with a pulse. It's a little hard to conceal a dog on your person and look innocent; the cops are bound to wonder about that squirming lump under your shirt.

All of us know outlaws aren't especially smart, but lately they seem to be going out of their way to prove that point. Snack food, dogs...what next? Hamsters? Breaking and entering a Habitrail? Folks with small hands will constantly be under suspicion, especially those with tiny bite wounds and very small, smelly black objects under their fingernails and on their clothing.

As for Dog Man, I hear he's being charged with furlony theft.





Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

The King Of Clean

Sure, what he did was unsanitary, but at least the guy came clean about his antics. It's one thing to take a bath in the sink at a fast-food restaurant, but to tape it and put it on You Tube is a whole different level of weird. This is a pretty novel way of getting your fifteen minutes of fame, but it will probably kill business at this Ohio Burger King.

Clearly, this guy was not thinking, or more probably he was and decided on a highly unusual method of turning in his resignation. Or he completely misunderstood his boss's instructions to make sure the buns were fresh and clean. Talk about throwing the burger out with the bathwater.

I can't help but see this as yet another sign of the beginning of the end for civilization, but I thought that when the first McDonald's opened. I don't know about you, but the next time I hear "secret sauce" mentioned as an ingredient in a burger joint, I'm outta there. Of course, we've all heard for years stories of "Revenge of the Food Service Workers", but these were mostly directed at surly and abusive customers, a group to which none of us belong, right? For sure, since I read about the "bodily fluids" additives a KFC employee put on a cop and his family's meal a few years back, I have exhibited only the most high-minded, kindly and gracious behavior whenever I am dining out. I had the same reaction after watching the film "Waiting".

The BK employee's behavior was unhygienic to be sure, but I don't actually think harm will befall anyone after the sink has been properly sanitized, unless you count having to carry the image of "bath boy" in your mind for eternity. And frankly, I'm not that enthused by having someone who looks like that handling my food anyway. Call me old school, but I do like to do business with people from my own galaxy. Always wondered where all the former Tower Records employees wound up. I'm pretty sure this is not what the King means when he says we can have it our way.

I still wonder what would drive someone to do this, and then I wonder how many incidents of this sort happen that we never hear about? I feel very inclined to avoid fast-food eateries entirely and move to the poorer section of Los Angeles, or enroll in a cooking class and never dine out again. That way, I'd be sure of what I was putting into my food. Or as sure as I can be with ingredients I didn't grow myself....hmmm. Okay, then how about the peace of mind that comes from knowing I will never bathe in the sink?


Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Sneak Attax

"The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist
is that the taxidermist leaves the skin."-Mark Twain

"Hey! Get Your Hand Outta My Pocket!"-HumorSmith

Yeah, I know it's not April yet, but since this just happened to me, here it is.

I'm sure some of you end up owing taxes at the end of the year. The first time that happened to me was when I moved to Arizona and the paperwork I filled out when I got a job offered a choice as to how much state tax I could choose to have deducted from my paycheck. Dumbass me, when faced with that kind of freedom, I chose the lowest amount and lived in blignorance* for a year then...wham! came the tax bill. So okay, that was only a couple thousand, and I learned my lesson and adjusted the amount deducted.

Unfortunately, that same year I depleted my 401k because I had been off work a while. Some bills got paid, of course, but the IRS wanted money too, and there's the problem. I owed them over $7000, and I didn't have it then and I don't have it now; it's been a pretty ugly couple of years. Matter of fact, I can't recall the last time I had two $1000 dollar bills to rub together. I did see a hundred last week, though. Wait, I think that was just a picture...

I did the smart thing and called the tax folks where I had the following conversation with a woman whose heart was, if not missing entirely, then made of a substance we keep in trays in the freezer:

"How much can you pay?"

Thinking back to the AZ tax sheet, I foolishly said, "$50.00."

"That's not enough."

"Then why'd you ask me? You made it sound like I had a choice."

"Nuh uh. We need more. How much do you have?"

"Not enough. In fact, after I pay my bills, I have $200 left for groceries."

"We will need $116 a month."

"Maybe you didn't hear me. I buy food with that $200, and now you're telling me to live on $84 of groceries a month? Could you do that?"

"Don't take that attitude with me, HumorSmith."

At that point, I hung up, as there was clearly nothing I could say that would make a difference.

I always knew the government had no sense of humor, despite the Legislative Follies we see each year,but this still shocked me a bit. After all, surely the greatest country in the world wouldn't want to starve a citizen merely to get money, would it? It was then I remembered the movie "Pursuit of Happyness" with Will Smith and I realized I was screwed, fiscally and nutritionally.

At least I don't have a house they can take, but I am going to miss eating the next few years.


*blissful ignorance



Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Cheetos Never Prosper

Nobody ever said thieves are smart. Anyway, how desperate do you have to be to steal Cheetos? This brain trust broke into a -ya ready?- vending machine....oh, the horror! They got caught because they cleverly covered their tracks by leaving snack debris from the crime scene to their home. Wow....didn't they ever watch Law & Order? Basic crime 101 would tell you not to leave tracks....this case wouldn't have taken CSI more than 3 seconds to crack.

Obviously, if you're that hungry and don't have money, the intelligent approach is to get a gun and hold up a convenience store, steal all their quarters and then use the coins in the vending machine. Good grief, do I have to explain everything to these people? These guys shoulda called me.

The police found snack packs in the thieves' hideout. Good plan huh? I would've dumped the bags in a neighbor's house, but I would've eaten the goods first. I mean if you're gonna go to all that trouble, you should get some enjoyment.And what a thing to have on your record...vending machine robbery. Wow, really hardened criminals like that should have the book thrown at them, and let the Doritos chips fall where they may.

I'm sure the will not escape punishment; after all, they were caught orange-handed, and I certainly can't imagine a judge telling these banditos they're Frito go.












Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Godspeed

Don't you think certain people should be immune to road rage? At least you'd think a man of the cloth would be, but you'd be mistaken. Seems this holy hot rodder just couldn't stop himself from waving a gun at the woman he was chasing. If there's anything scarier than an armed preacher, I can't imagine what it would be.

It might add a little suspense to his Sunday sermons though. Just think, while listening to Preacher Thomas Howell talk about Jesus, some of his congregation could actually get to go see him. Of course, it'd be a one way trip, but still fun. Give points to ol' Crazy Thomas though, for originality. Gunfire and brimstone is sure an attention grabber. Kinda puts a new spin on "holy rollers" doesn't it?

Turns out the man of odd was a bit upset when he couldn't get where he was going because of April Evans, who so far as I know was just obeying the traffic laws. I guess he was put out because he couldn't get pastor, but that's no excuse to draw a gun. What would Jesus think of this, Pastor Howell? Especially at the age of 71, I would think you'd know better. Turning your own house of worship into a bully pulpit is hardly good Christian behavior. I think Tom is gunning for a few changes, chief among them the new Holy Trinity of Smith, Wesson, and the Holy Roadster. I wonder what kind of car God drives? And who would dare cut Him off? On second thought, I don't think He drives. I can't believe God wouldn't do something about gas prices with His commute.

I am completely amazed that Thomas Howell would act out like this.
That's the last time I watch anything he's in. By the way, what exactly has he been in the last 20 years? No wonder he turned to faith as a livelihood. But lose the gun, Ponyboy!


Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

The Joker's On Us

Every now and then I think I should take the easy road with this funny blog thing, maybe just write about fake events,just make stuff up and call it good. Nah, not when things like this are going on. Not when people keep supplying my punchlines.


Let's see, over the past couple weeks, Batman was questioned by police for allegedly assaulting his mom and sister, some schmoe dressed as Superman threatened to kidnap a kid, and now this joker shows up, trying to steal Dark Knight posters from a Michigan theatre. After decades of art imitating life, suddenly we're being overrun with no-lifers imitating art. Used to be we had something called "the crazy season", but like global warming's potential to create permanent summer, the loons are flocking year-round.

I don't know if it's the pressure of life today that's causing this. It's pretty hard to tell, because these folks have a none too firm reality grip to begin with. Years ago, geeks and nerds donned the costume of their favorite fictional hero and began gathering in enclosed places where the rest of society could keep an eye on them. We called these meetings "conventions", and the fictioneers accepted that. What they didn't realize was these fests were run by a top secret government agency, and as the conventions grew in popularity and attracted more and more citizens in search of a personality, the feds were compiling data on them. Needless to say, there's quite a few pretty thick files on these crazed crusaders in DC, which is a very appropriate place to keep them.

What I want to know is how did Superschmuck and laughing boy escape the net? I thought the government was supposed to protect us from people like these. Perhaps the supersleuths are too busy watching the Capitol Hill lawmakers' chapter of the Injustice League of America.


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