In one of my lives I was a grocery store clerk. Naturally they want you to be as speedy as possible while maintaining that gleam in the eye, just short of psychotically cheerful mien that while hustling the designated shopper through the food buying ritual, will make her and the little exuterine® feel appreciated, nay, cherished.
I was freakin' fast. I even got to where I could bag double handed, blithely tossing items from left to right mitt and accurately placing them in the bag. Near as I recall, I believe I only put the eggs on the bottom a couple times.
I was lost in a whirled of dervishes on this day, chatting animatedly, just north of maniacally, when I tossed a can of green beans from left to right hand and dropped it on target right next to the cereal.
It took but a shaved second for my empty palm to flash the message to my brain that I had missed, and I looked over at the 12 year old zygote as the can smacked dead center into his forehead, just above the bridge of his glasses. His head snapped back, his eyes crossed briefly, then he slowly came back to the world with a purple 2 inch crater blooming like a demonic fault line across his pale skin.
I continued talking to Mrs. J, hoping like hell my gaffe would go unnoticed, and it did. When the kid fell face first in the parking lot, she assumed he'd tripped over his untied shoelace, picked him up with the one hand mom power lift® and put him in the car alongside the groceries. I was very proud of the self control that allowed me to bite back the laughter until they were outside. From that day onward, I slowed down. A bit.
Even so, for some reason they never came through my line again. The kid grew up and ran for public office, proudly telling the voters he'd make a fine mayor because he was an excellent driver and liked to buy his boxer shorts at Kmart.
Copyright © 2009 thehumorsmithchronicle
7 comments:
"womb weasel" LMAO That is the funniest reference to kids that I have heard.
I can't believe that you got way with giving that poor kid a concussion. To this day, he probably hates green beans and has no idea why
Shut up! That is awful. Awful in that I can't stop laughing way!
Womb weasel...I am soo using that one.
That explains SO much about politicians....
probably you did him a favor - the knot you gave him cushioned the blow from the fall! Heartwarming!
@dizz & Sarah: Thanks for the kudos. I must say here however, that I probably should've Googled first. Turns out womb weasel is a George Carlinism, though he used it as another name for penis. Does it count as theft if you don't know you stole something?
@Vic: Too true about politicians. Really explains a lot doesn't it?
So maybe I'm paranoid. Changed to "exuterine". maybe not as good as Carlin's but it's all mine!
Nice post. How did you manage to last more than a week without going crazy?
While not in that exact job, I've been in similar dead-end jobs. No fun, but looking back, it might be worth a blog post...
...about your post: so you knocked the sense right out of him? Good job. How many other governors of Illinois did you spawn? ;)
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