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Tuesday, February 07, 2012

Malled


I love it when the sun gets confused. It forgot it's not supposed to be here until August but it's been shining brightly the last couple days. It's almost enough to make me forget how I abhor this dank, dark, dismal excuse for a region. If I'd had any idea the phrase, "Hey! Stick it where the sun doesn't shine" actually referred to a city, I wouldn't've been so free with my mouth.

On that note, I've been spouting comedy for free for years and I am more than ready (readier?) to start getting paid for it. The cancellation of Sunday's improv comedy jam with absolutely no notice has slowed me down but I am still going to hit the stage soon. Comedy's a big world and there is enough room for new blood on any given day.

By the way, if someone wants to give me a day, I'd like Saturday please.

The life of a paid retail mall worker is no way to go. Have you seen the people who go to malls? All of them wearing clothes with more lively expressions than their faces. "Hollister! Abercrombie! Aero! Pink! The North Face!", their attire screams, all of them animated billboards seemingly unconcerned they're paying corporate America for the privilege of being a walking (de)ad. The glassy eyes and slow shambling walk?Zombies, only minus the sparkling personality.

The eyes? More glaze than Dunkin' Donuts, and one simple thought in their vacant minds: "Must shop now."

You wouldn't believe the number of people who came into the store the first day of last month's big snowstorm.

With treacherous, icy roads and freezing temperatures, I thought they were on a mission. "Just looking", they told me and shuffled past clutching a Starbucks cup and shoving pastry into their gaping mouths, chewing mechanically like sedated sharks and dropping crumbs all over their logos.

"Just looking"? On a day you risked life and limb just to get to the mailbox?  The employees were only there because when the mall opened it wasn't blizzarding.

I can hear it now: "OMG Britney, the sewer just exploded at the mall and hundreds of people are in the hospital, and the smell...OMGOMG. The whole mall is all like brown and yellow and stuff and people are like puking and everything. I can smell it from my house. Ewwwww!"


"ZOMG Shaniqualatoyaspice, that's so like bad. Um, do you think any stores are still open and can you drive us?"



Copyright © 2012 thehumorsmithchronicle

3 comments:

  1. I know a few shoppers like this. Nothing would deter them.

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  2. As Peter Sellers said in the movie, 'Being There',  "I like to look( I mean watch)".....make of THAT what you will. Heehee. You do make me laugh. I can't wait to see you on the stand-up comedy circuit. Will you come East?  We have malls and It's dark, rainy and cold here too.

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  3. Where I live there are no malls.  But once a year I visit my cousin at Christmas and we take to the mall on Christmas Eve day with a shopping vengeance.  Once a year is all I need.   

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