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Sunday, December 09, 2012

Valor of the Dolls

"I know you are but what am I?"

Kind of amusing from a 12 year old. From a full-grown man the size of a Greyhound bus, not so much. I don't know whether the fight or flight instinct in the joker turned into smart off or run, but that's what he said.

For one of the very few times in my life, I didn't have an answer. Nothing, not one single comeback that wouldn't get me smacked about the head and other areas. I hate moments like that, moments where my head is abuzz with hundreds of witty words. It's like playing Russian roulette with 6 bullets. Every word would have a spectacular impact, but each would be the last. Ever.

After mulling it over for a few seconds and realizing the correct answer was "dead" I did what any rational man would do. I bought him another drink, patted him on top of his mullet and retreated to my table.

I do not ever (hardly) get into situations like that, mostly because I rarely venture from my room. It's dangerous out there for smartasses. The only thing that keeps me safe at home is not talking to my roommate. My cat's fine, he has no claws so I'm not going to get slashed like a tire on sale.

If you look at it from a historical perspective you'll see pretty quickly there are no comedians who are also recipients of the Purple Heart or Medal of Honor. It's not that we're cowards, it's more we have a fear of danger. Dying isn't a problem; that pretty much goes with the territory every time we step foot on stage.

No, I'm afraid (shut up!) the only time I am in the least brave is when there's a beautiful woman around to impress, because I know deep down the only thing a woman finds attractive about me is the chance she'll get to watch as some dude rearranges my features. Otherwise valor is not me. I say to her, "Watch this doll", but on the inside I'm shaking like a pair of maracas tied to Kim Kardashian's ass.

Man if words were weapons we'd all be combat heroes.

"Hey! Did you hear the one about the horny rabbit and the foxhole?"

"No."

"Well, the rabbit apologized to the fox."

There's always the chance the enemy soldier would be too confused by that to shoot me but it's a theory I'm not willing to field test.



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