Monday, November 04, 2013

Me And The Other Halves

Relationships are easy. Hell I even love that old quote that goes, "Before setting out on a marriage, first dig two graves."

I've had lots of relationships. Wait a sec. You're not talking about successful relationships only are you? 'Cause if you are I'm going to have to rewrite that stuff up there.

I've had a great relationship with my cat for the last 8 years. He's the only person (?) who gets me right now in fact. I had a wonderful relationship with my ex that lasted 24 years. Okay in all honesty it was only great sometimes. I speak in particular of the blow jobs, but since those ended 6 months after "I do"? I suppose they don't really count.

Where's that leave me? A great relationship doesn't suck. Wonder if I could get that on a bumper sticker.

I haven't had a great relationship with money unless you consider a 40 year series of one night stands successful. I've never had a problem making money; it's more an issue of holding onto it. Of course all the new age gurus say you need to stop being clingy in regard to money so that it will flow freely to you.

 I misunderstood the self-help advisers. I thought they said not to be Klinger with money and I always figured as long as I didn't dress up like a woman then I'd have all the money I could ever want.

I have met lots of women and until I start listening to them things seem to work fine. The minute I pay attention then it's all over. That's a problem because I really don't understand women. I mean their words make sense but somehow by the time my brain fully engages with their words, (which usually takes from 30 minutes to an hour, or roughly the time it takes me to stop wondering what she looks like naked) I realize I haven't been paying attention at all. Nope I've just been nodding agreeably, looking interested and uttering the occasional supportive and encouraging words like "Will you have sex with me right here on the bar or do we have to wait until we get to your place?"

That line only worked once but that time involved Jell-O, mud, tequila shooters and 6 burly girls in chaps and Stetsons. I have not been allowed back in that bar since.

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1 comment:

  1. So THAT's what men are thinking when they nod agreeabl.The husband nods agreeably all the time. He is so supportive!
    Best of luck, HumorSmith!