Cardiac Unrest

Years and years into this love thing, and I still don't get it. All I know for certain is it's very hard on the heart. Even with the plethora of dating sites and advice books available, I am still looking for my babe in the woods...or wherever else she may be hiding. I am not fond of the bar scene, and online dating sites scare me, but how else am I supposed to meet women?




If you have not been to one of those sites, let me save you some time reading the profiles...all the women love to laugh. Wow, what a revelation, eh? They also like travel, and they like cuddling and holding hands and kissing, but mysteriously, the "s" word never appears.

All the men like to laugh also, and they have dogs and interesting hobbies around the house, but again, that word is missing. Honestly, I believe as many women as men are hoping for some action from these sites, but it just ain't right to come out and say so. Why, that would mean people would have to admit they like....sex! *gasp*. Don't worry about it; it's just part of the double standard, Puritan/libertine mind dichotomy in the US, and another reason love and sex are so confusing for many people.

Do you realize admitting you like sex can consign you to eternal damnation? Or is that eternal frustration? It figures, though. For many, a good mind f*** is perfectly fine, and they want us to join them. Not me, though, I've got my preferences. And calluses on my hand. And glasses. Oh, and when I looked up calluses, here's what I found: "A localized thickening and hardness of the horny layer of the skin." So apparently when someone says they are really horny, they mean it.

The key question is, "what do women/men want, and is it ever the same thing?" Yeah, right. You've got a better chance of making a moon landing in a Hummer. Or of getting a hummer whenever you ask. When the hormones take over, it's libido time and everything is terrific. When the logic circuits kick in, things are still okay, but sometimes they look, well, ordinary, which is never a good state for love. What can you do? Why the hell are you asking me? If I had love figured out, you can be pretty sure I'd have something better to do at night than blog.

I also keep hearing and reading about how much women love comedians. C'mon....do you think Carrot Top gets laid every night? If you know he does, keep it to yourself, or I'll have to eat my gun. Trust me, this blog has gotten me zero female companionship, though I did hear from a lovely therapist. She sounded wonderful. She even wanted to see me three times a week....at $350 an hour. I know better places to spend that much with better results.

Thing is, I'm still as relationship challenged as when I started, but I am very sure Dr.Phil is a moron, so I guess there is a positive side to this mess.






Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Holding My Own Hand

It's easy to get lulled into a false sense of security when you're single, and begin thinking you have plenty of time to find someone to be with. Easy because of the plethora of dating sites, how to date books, Dr.Phil clones and the naked women of the Internet. Over the past 18 months, the only relationship I've had is with my computer. Not very emotionally fulfilling, but on the plus side there is an off switch.

Maybe, just maybe this whole love thing is overrated. If it was supposed to happen, then would it be so tough to find? I'm here to tell you, all those avenues to finding companionship result in a bunch of dead ends. The street of romance needs better signs. Either that, or we need to stop the clown who keeps taking down the "do not enter" signs, because I keep fetching up against the wall of "nope, nothing happening for you here, move on". My hood is dented, my headlights are dim and I burned oil like crazy until I discovered the way to not waste time: don't spend any. Right. Just give up, lock the door, turn on the dvd player and you're good to not go.

Sure, it's a slothful existence, but it saves a bunch of wear on the heart. Cowardly you say? And what's wrong with being a chicken? Along with a skewed view of love,popular entertainment has given us all these heroic images, and they are a crock. I do not have a latex batsuit in the closet, and the closest I have to a gun is a toy I got years ago. Wait...now that I think about it, sloths find love too. Why else would there be so many of them?

Forgive the cynicism, but every day another little bit of my belief in romance falls off and shrivels like an ant under a magnifying glass. Don't be misled, though, I still have hope. In fact, I did see the perfect relationship once.That's just a wee bit more of a sacrifice than I'm willing to make though. I mean, c'mon. Pottery classes?


Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle