Holding My Own Hand

It's easy to get lulled into a false sense of security when you're single, and begin thinking you have plenty of time to find someone to be with. Easy because of the plethora of dating sites, how to date books, Dr.Phil clones and the naked women of the Internet. Over the past 18 months, the only relationship I've had is with my computer. Not very emotionally fulfilling, but on the plus side there is an off switch.

Maybe, just maybe this whole love thing is overrated. If it was supposed to happen, then would it be so tough to find? I'm here to tell you, all those avenues to finding companionship result in a bunch of dead ends. The street of romance needs better signs. Either that, or we need to stop the clown who keeps taking down the "do not enter" signs, because I keep fetching up against the wall of "nope, nothing happening for you here, move on". My hood is dented, my headlights are dim and I burned oil like crazy until I discovered the way to not waste time: don't spend any. Right. Just give up, lock the door, turn on the dvd player and you're good to not go.

Sure, it's a slothful existence, but it saves a bunch of wear on the heart. Cowardly you say? And what's wrong with being a chicken? Along with a skewed view of love,popular entertainment has given us all these heroic images, and they are a crock. I do not have a latex batsuit in the closet, and the closest I have to a gun is a toy I got years ago. Wait...now that I think about it, sloths find love too. Why else would there be so many of them?

Forgive the cynicism, but every day another little bit of my belief in romance falls off and shrivels like an ant under a magnifying glass. Don't be misled, though, I still have hope. In fact, I did see the perfect relationship once.That's just a wee bit more of a sacrifice than I'm willing to make though. I mean, c'mon. Pottery classes?


Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Hearts Dancing Off-Key

"If love is a musical, I want
better choreography."-HumorSmith

Our overly romantic media fueled view of love notwithstanding, we all still seem to want to believe in the happily, not just ever after but right now, dammit! Newsflash: love is work. It can be fun work, but it is still a job, and I think that's where most of us lose it.

Even if you adore your job, you will have days when it's sheer drudgery. Same with your relationships. You have to do a little legwork at first if you expect to go dancing away with the object of your reflection anytime soon, reflection being what most people look for: someone to not only complement them but mirror their tastes and values. Wake up, for crap's sake! It's a love affair, not a grocery list. You want value, clip some coupons. You want lovevity*, get to work.

I understand this, really I do. The key question is what comes afterglow? Many relationships will not stand up to the cold, revealing light of day, or even the bedroom light; realities of life just seem to get in the way of the fantasy of romance. We need to find something to hold onto when the crazed lust state fades away, as it surely will. If you've been with someone more than 5 years and you're still crazed, call me right now; I have some questions for you.

Some of us choose to hang onto the fantasy of Hollywood musical love, which is fine as far as it goes, but do you really want to dance in high heels while it's raining? See? There's our old pal reality waiting to cut in. There's also the strong possibility your partner isn't Fred or Ginger and then what? You ever try walking to a waltz? We all need to get a grip, and I don't mean on our lover. We must find a way to balance the romantic with the mundane, the love with the bills, the belles with the balls.










If you want to see a film that hits some very true home runs out of the love ballpark, check out "Forgeting Sarah Marshall".Yeah, I know it's a comedy, but I'm sure you're aware there is truth in comedy. All through this movie, I was filled with a "been there, done that" feeling, and it wasn't always funny. True comedy often isn't funny as much as it is painful. Same with love. Don't misunderstand, I still believe in romance. I'm just not dancing anymore.

*romantic longevity



Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Juggling Happiness

"Welcome to the petri dish that is my life."- HumorSmith

"Ohhhh, Rob!"- Laura Petrie (spelled differently, but still a dish)


Life is an ongoing experiment; you should never stop reaching and striving and growing. Holy crap...I'm exhausted. Quick survey: all of you who are exactly where you want to be in your life journey, and thoroughly satisfied,raise your hands. Liars!

See, when you say it's all fine and you're happy, then things stop with that and you stay frozen on that particular rung. Just another cosmic joke folks. If you think you're happy you're wrong. Nothing wrong with being satisfied; it's complacency you have to watch out for. But don't take my word for it. Check out the self help section at your neighborhood Barnes and Noble; the space is enormous. If there are that many satisfied people, then why are so many searching for the answer? 'Cause we're a bunch of whiny bastards.

What if an answer doesn't exist? If it does, it'll be different for everyone, so the books just keep coming. I say why sweat? Take each day and each event as it is, and try to learn something. We're making it all too hard. Life is for having fun, because it's finite, and wasting too much effort is counterproductive.

I suppose you could have too much fun, and if you do, call me. I'll be right over. I funned my way right out of a relationship, and I bet I'm not the only one to have that experience. It's okay, though. Relationships are like buses; they'll run your ass over if you jaywalk.

People have a tendency to think too much and feel too little and that leads to trouble, or financial success.Ever notice how it's almost impossible to get everything in your life functioning smoothly at the same time? We are all inept jugglers, and the noise you hear is breaking plates, or in my case, smashed balls.I have been financially successful and loved, but not all at once. Things invariably started springing leaks so much I was frantically sticking my fingers in the dike, and she didn't like that at all.

I admit to being adrift on the dating sea. Unfortunately of late, my ship has been the SS Minnow. The last woman I was seeing kissed me passionately, talked endlessly about almost everything, laughed at my jokes, held my hand, and after three dates ended it because she was looking for more. More what? Give me a clue...how much more fun can there be? Passionate kisses apparently don't mean what they used to. I blame it on the Internet, only because it's unthinkable to believe it was me. After all, I am fun with a capital P.

This all leaves me with a strong desire to forge ahead in whatever career I next find myself. I certainly won't have any plates to distract me. Or balls.

Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle

Driven By Love

Relationships. They're not easy. Why do you think they call 'em relationships? You can go on for months or years, nothing but smooth sailing, then WHAM you're on the soul shoals, lonely and bereefed. First question should be, "Who's driving the boat?" If the answer isn't you, there's trouble. It should be a joint effort, (God knows I smoked enough of those in my first marriage. Didn't help, I thought Doritos were gourmet appetizers for years.),not a pilot/passenger affair.

What we really need is a lighthouse, something other than Dr.Phil or Laura to warn us of impending disaster. I'm thinking more along the lines of the robot from Lost in Space yelling "Warning! Warning! Danger HumorSmith!" I doubt that would help much, though. Some relationships just wear out. Others wear on and on and on and....

Looked at in the cold light of post erection, it's hard to imagine any guy willingly getting into a commitment, I mean one other than "The Suns game next Wednesday? Sure!" You know,long term. I was thinking about this the other day, (like I've been saying, I'm out of work.), and it occurred to me it'd be good to approach a relationship as if you were buying a car. Yeah, there's a lot of legalese in that contract, but down the road, you can get tuneups, extended warranties, and even trade in value, which helps offset depreciation. One really great thing is you can get any annoying noises fixed. And what about vacations? Right, leave it in extended parking and get a rental at your destination. It's a win win! And before I get ornery comments, ladies, this works for you too. I know some guys can be a pack o'trouble. Especially the insensitive ones who don't blog.

Any investment requires careful thought and planning, and it's a real good idea to make sure you both have favorable terms in the contract. That way, when the ship really starts flying, you'll be covered in something besides sand.

Copyright ©  2008 thehumorsmithchronicle